Back to December
by Fallen4Cas
Summary: Dean has been miserable since the apocalypse has been diverted. Both his brothers are gone, he ceased hunting because Sam made him promise to live an apple pie life, and he lost his angel. until now. Dean/Cas  CHAPTER 12  NOW UP!
1. Break Stuff

So I was listening (You are NEVER gonna believe this) to Taylor Swift (Ducking all objects thrown at her) her song back to December and it got me to thinking. The result is what follows.

Okay guys first fic EVER so be gentle. I love to read y'alls work so I thought why not take a stab at it. This was supposed to be a one shot, but it has a mind of its own I think. Most of the time a very dirty mind.

Deans got a foul mouth so this chapter is rated M.

Disclaimer: I don't own drunk Dean, if I did I am sure I could take his mind off his problems. Nor do I own any of Kripke's toys…

Dean Winchester was drunk. Not buzzed, not tipsy, but full on trashed. He's been this way for awhile now. Maybe weeks. Every craptastic day just seems to bleed into the next. So it just feels like one really long torment. Kinda reminds him of…Hell.

Dean snorts at this. He's not saying hell was a picnic by a long shot, but at least in the pit you could come to expect the pain. Not like now, where pain snuck up on you and blindsided you with out even saying hello. Each thought like the twist of Alistair's expertly placed blade. Not enough to kill you; just enough to make you want to die.

Thinking of hell brings his thoughts around to his brothers. Still rotting, fighting for eternity in some literal hell hole.

For what? Dean thinks to himself, taking another shot of whiskey straight from the bottle. He had thrown his sophistication along with his last highball glass into the wall in a fit of unbridled rage awhile ago.

He had lost EVERYTHING.

Sam, Adam, Bobby-well Bobby was still alive thanks to someone, but Dean hadn't-couldn't talk to him. Talking to Bobby brought up the past. And Dean was effectively trying to drown the past. So talking to Bobby seemed a little counter productive to the last remaining Winchester.

Dean took another swig fire slowly making its way down his throat. Yeah talking to Bobby would make him think of things he'd rather not.

Like Sam, Adam….Cas.

"Dammit!" Dean exclaimed kicking over the coffee table in his make shift bedroom in the garage. He hadn't slept in Lisa's house let alone her bed in a long while.

Cas. That is the last Douche nozzle Dean wants on his mind right now. Should have known he would leave. In the end everyone did. How he had managed to be duped by a feather duster he will never know. But he knows better now. Dean swears he will never get close to anyone again.

Dean begins to shake angrily at the thought of his-No not his-Never his, angel's betrayal.

Dean hurls the bottle of whiskey across the room, hitting the Impala in a loud crash clipping the front fender and breaking into a million pieces.

"Not even here and still manages to wreck my good time!" Dean screams loudly.

He walks over to the Impala lifting up the tarp she's been under for the last six months whispering an apology.

"Oh baby, I am so sorry." He says running his hands over the hood looking for any signs of damage.

His slurred mind drifts back to a time when there were two sets of hands running over the hood. And each other.

Dean struggles with the rage boiling inside him.

"Dumbest thing I have **ever** done." He laments drunkenly.

Thoughts run over him like calloused hands and he shudders.

"But holy Christ it was fuckin **worth** it."

Stumbling over to the tool box laid against the concrete wall reaching in "Still."

Dean says, Pulling a fresh whiskey bottle from inside the tool cache.

"Never should have let it happen."

A strangely familiar voice chuckles gravely in his head.

As if **you** had a choice.

Well how am I doing so far? Does it suck beyond the telling of it? I think I love reviews. I know I love writing them so I guess I will love receiving them.


	2. On a Hot Summer Night

**So here's chapter two. Uh…(blushing furiously…) This is the first attempt at some hot boyness….I hope its not too bad….**

**Disclaimer: Just for fun. I do not own hot and bothered Dean and Cas….If I did I clear that problem up pretty fudging quick. So don't sue me… **

Dean looks over at his passenger, who is doing pretty much the same thing he always does: Staring out the window unblinkingly

"Ah man…Nothing feels better than ganking a bunch of douchey demons huh Cas? Dean says breaking the uncomfortable silence between them.

"Yes Dean. It does feel somewhat liberating." Castiel comments in his usual monotone.

Dean rolls his eyes which is completely wasted on the angel. He decides that no one is gonna kill his buzz.

"Damn right it does." Dean exclaims, and it really does. "And now my friend, we celebrate."

Dean pulls the Impala over to the side of the road, where the view is nothing but stunning; all mountains and valleys meeting in lush shades of green.

Dean gets out of the car, and motions impatiently at Cas to get out on the passengers side. Fumbling with the latch the angel quickly follows.

Dean opens the trunk and pulls two icy long necks out of a beat up cooler that sits next to the Winchester's weapons cache.

"Here Cas for kicking some serious ass, you've earned yourself a beer." Dean says passing one to him, after slamming the trunk.

Cas doesn't really look like he wants the beer, but he is also aware that this is a Winchester custom. One that Dean has been performing with his little brother since he could swipe a six pack from the fridge. So Cas understands that this ritual is comforting and almost necessary to the hunter. Cas takes the beer he is offered, as he reaches for it his and Deans finger brush and something akin to lighting runs up Deans arm. Of course, Dean does what he does best and pointedly ignores it, even though Castiel is looking strangely at the eldest Winchester.

Dean takes a pull from the bottle he holds and leans back on the Impala. Cas leans back as well, mirroring the hunter. Looking less laid back than the him, but still looking like he's beginning to relax.

"Thanks for having my back, back there Cas." Dean says taking another swig. "Hell man thanks for having my back these last couple of days."

Dean looks down at the ground and says solemnly "It's weird here with out Sam ya know?"

Castiel simply nods to this.

It was nice to have someone you knew you could count on. And that was not Sam. Not anymore. Dean didn't know when that tie was severed, but he knew that tearing it apart was going to be a hell of a lot easier that trying to fuse it back together, if that was even a possibility at this point.

The hunter's troubled thoughts were interrupted by Castiel leaning slightly into Dean and saying:

"I will always have your back Dean, as well as your front if you have need."

At that comment Dean promptly chokes on his beer. Can't ignore that one he thinks to himself, but I sure as hell can brush it off in cool Dean style.

"Wha-My front Cas? I gotta tell ya, that just sounds dirty." Dean spouts wiggling his eyebrows.

Cas stares at Dean with confused innocence.

Dean chuckles nervously "I mean... you didn't mean it like that did you?"

Castiel looks sideways at the hunter and says nothing simply takes a sip of beer.

Okay…Feeling a little-scratch that a lot uncomfortable here Dean says to himself.

Cas swallows, the beer suddenly not enough to quinch his parched mouth.

He has no idea how to deal with all these new feelings that have been bombarding him now that he's cut off from heaven. All he knows is something sits heavy in his chest as he holds on to Deans hazel eyes with his own. Before he knows it the answer dropped off his lips.

"I meant it whichever way you wanted me to mean it." The angel states flatly.

How the hell was he supposed to answer that? Dean asked himself lost. Sure he had begun to think of Cas as a good friend. And the other thoughts he harbored for the angel were just because they had been in such close quarters with each other the last week right? I mean since him and Sammy spilt up Cas hadn't left Dean's side trying to take his younger brothers place.

And okay when he woke up and Cas was leaning right over him trying to wake him, he might have thought to yank him down by that damn crooked tie of his and crush their lips together, but he had been having a smoking hot dream about Scarlett Johanson. Anyone would have been confused. After all it's not like he followed through.

Of course that didn't explain the dreams he had been having lately. Hell yes they were hot, but Scarlett never once made an appearance.

Just cerulean eyes boring into him while calloused hands roamed his body.

Dean's heart slammed into his chest and he slashed his hazel eyes to Cas wondering if he had heard the thud.

"Dean?" Cas asked worried and what looked to be unsure to the hunter. Then Castiel did the damndest thing. He bit his lip. Cas a freaking angel of the Lord just bit his lip.

That's all it took. One second they were leaning against the front of the Impala enjoying friendly companionship, and the next Dean had Cas pinned on the hood crushing him underneath in anything but a friendly manner. Cas was kissing him back just as roughly as Dean was dishing it out. Hands roaming under Deans leather jacket.

Dean reaches in between them and pulls Cas' tie off over his head and wraps it around his hands before slamming his mouth back down on his angels.

"Don't wanna lose this right?" Dean smirks between kisses beginning to unbutton Castiels shirt.

Cas grabs Dean by his collar of his coat and turns him around suddenly so that now the angel has his hunter pinned to the car.

Dean breaks the kiss to come up for air teasing Cas.

"Wow Cas, wouldn't think an angel of the lord would have moves like that."

"You underestimate me Dean." Cas replies almost wickedly grinding his hips into Deans like hes done this thousands of times.

So much for innocent. Dean thinks to himself and smirks

"I have been around for a Millennia" Cas says pulling Dean from his thoughts. "Just because I have never engaged in an intimate situation doesn't mean I am inept.

And boy was he proving that Dean thought. Suddenly the hunter realized he was out of his jacket and missing his shirt.

"Clever lil angel" Dean cooed.

"Besides" Cas said talking against Deans hard nipple, "You seem to always be watching pornography, I picked up a few things." Cas finished breathily and proceeded to bite down, making the hunter groan.

"Oh dammit Cas!" Dean curses. This is so the right kind of wrong Dean thinks as Cas' shirt buttons go flying in all directions.

"Eager Dean?" Cas said tauntingly his eyes roaming the hunters body.

'"Eager seems like a hell of an understatement, about to spontaneously combust is probably more accurate." Dean says gasping.

"Besides angel boy, are you trying to tell me you don't want this?" Dean looks in between their bodies suggestively.

Cas' eyes bore into Deans looking more serious that Dean has ever seen the man and with utter resolution.

"No Dean, be assured, I have wanted this for sometime now."

"Oh thank God" Dean says as he flips Castiel back over on to the hood of his car. Dean pushes his angels tattered shirt, jacket and that trench coat he has decided is pretty fucking sexy all off at once. So Cas is laying on them on the Impala like a rumpled blanket.

Deans hands begun to shakily unbutton Cas' pants while trailing kisses down his chest and he laughs at himself and wonders when he became an "Ab" man. He pulls Cas' pants all the way off so Cas sits in nothing but a pair of boxers. Dean takes in the sight of the horny angel spread on top of his car and almost loses it right there.

Going to hell again Dean thinks….But first to heaven.

"Dammit Cas, you spread out and all needy on top of the Impala is the hottest fucking thing I have ever seen."

"You have seen nothing yet Dean." Cas and gives him a smirk that looks startlingly like his own.

Dean leaned in to bite Castiel on the neck.

"Hang on feathers. I am about to show you what heaven **should** be like."

Dean slides off Cas' boxers so he stands before him completely naked. Dean's eyes are completely blown wide with want as he throws the disguarded underwear into the growing pile of clothes on the grass.

Dean hits his knees pulling his jacket under him so he won't get scraped up. He wonders if this is gonna be hard. The hunter chuckles at the pun, but seriously he has no idea how to do this. He finally figures if he just does to Cas what gets him off, he should have a quivering angel in no time flat.

Dean lets out a bated breath and licks the tip of Cas tasting him for the first time. The taste is foreign and more than a little bitter, but the explosion of breath and the way Cas jerks up off the Impala looks so fucking hot Dean skips the 101 class and engulfs Cas' entire length.

"Ah Dean" Cas pants. Yeah I could definitely get used to this Dean thinks licking the underside of Cas' causing him to shake.

Dean is completely enthralled by Cas' arousal he has never been this hot in his life.

Dean pulls back to give Cas' a chance to breathe and the angel pulls Dean up for a searing kiss.

"Do you want this Dean?" Castiel growls against Deans cheek.

"Yeah." Dean wants it alright. To hell with tomorrow and the concequences he wants this now.

"Do you want me inside of you?" Cas says turning the hunter around to hold him against his chest nipping his ear, and biting a path all the way down his back.

What? Wait. Dean thinks. I thought I would be the top or however the hell this works. But this is Cas. Dragged me outta hell in the literal sense; forsaken everything for me Cas. And that makes Dean want to be able to give something back. To please HIS angel, watch him come undone and know that this was the reason. To really finally show him how much gratitude he had for him. To be able to put that into a tangible form was the greatest gift Dean thinks he can give. So he doesn't even think about hesitating when he looked into those striking eyes and all but groaned

"Oh fuck yeah."

Cas licked his way up Deans spine stopping at his ear to whisper "Whatever you wish." Before biting his earlobe.

Castiel wrapped his arms around the hunter's waist biting into his shoulder blade hard enough to leave a mark. And somehow managed Deans fly and zipper all the while licking a trail of fire back down his spine.

This is so hot I should look for blisters later, Dean thinks to himself.

Cas hits that sensitive spot where the hunters firm ass meets the small of his back and Dean has to hold himself up on the Impalas hood so he doesn't fall over in a heap at his angels feet.

Have I worn you out already Dean?" Cas asks bearthing hotly, deliberately on that wonderful spot.

Dean pulls himself together enough between his bodies shudders to say "Hell no Cas. We're just getting started."

"I thought so." Cas replied yanking the hunters threadbare jeans and black boxer briefs down to his ankles.

Castiel squats behind Dean to help the shaky man step out of the cumbersome garments pooled at his feet. He runs his hands up the length of the back of Deans legs dragging nails all the way until he reaches Deans ass.

I think I might die right here thinks Dean.

"You are perfect Dean Winchester." Cas whispers reverently still palming the hunters backside with both hands.

"Heh" Dean chuckled. "Not the first time I've heard that buddy" Dean quipped.

He meant it as a joke. Something to alleviate the serious turn this was taking.

But something in Castiel snapped. He thought back in all the months all the girls Dean flirted with, took to his bed. How it should have been him. It should have been them, but Dean couldn't-no wouldn't see that.

"It will be the last time you will hear it from anyone but me." He growls like a predator.

Power crackled of Cas in thunderous waves. It only adds to the heat already coursing though Dean.

When did his angel go from confused innocence to hotter than hell dominator and why in God's name do I find it so damn sexy Dean asks himself questioningly.

"Do you understand me Dean?" Cas says jerking him back from his thought by pulling the hunters hair in order for him to make eye contact.

"Do you understand that you will want no one but me when I finish with you. Nothing will come close to pleasing you but my touch. I will make you crave me in a way you have never craved another." Cas says letting go of Deans hair.

He says quietly into Deans neck "I you don't want that Dean….I suggest you stop me now, because after this night. You. Are. Mine.

Deans only response is a whimper.

"No?" Castiel says placing his hands on Dean's lower back to push him face down on his disguarded trench coat.

"No. Cas I fucking want this. More than I have ever wanted anything. More than I will want anything again. And Dean realizes it's true. He will never want anyone else after this.

"I thought not." Cas says leaving twin trails of red welts down Deans shoulders.

Dean clenches in extacy at the rough way Cas is treating him.

"Dean, you are so tight." The angel says pressing against him "I will have to loosen you up." He says tauntingly.

At that Dean actually whimpers and he's not sure if its in fear or anticipation.

Cas licks his finger covering it saliva and runs it slowly into Dean, all the while stroking Dean in one hand and holding himself up on the Impala with the other.

"Holy fuck Cas-I" Dean sputtered almost guttural.

How can this feel so damn good Dean wonders.

Castiel adds another finger and the hunter begins to push up against his angel's palm, like he's begging for it.

Almost as if reading Deans mind Cas leans forward to whisper in Deans ear.

"I think you are going to enjoy this Dean. More than you ever thought possible.

And with that he inserts a third finger. And Dean Winchester, Mr. Macho hunter that he is whimpers again, and this time he knows it's not from fear.

Cas' hands are now wreaking havoc on Deans front and back. Dean rolls his hips into Castiel's trying to create more friction, to get closer if at this point that is even possible.

"Tell me you want this Dean." Castiel commands sounding every bit the angel he is.

"Oh god Cas," Dean says shakily "I want this so fucking much." He says almost begging.

Castiel removes his fingers and replaces it with something much larger.

"How long have you wanted it Dean?" Cas asks teasing Deans entrance enticingly.

"I-I don't know." The hunter answers mindlessly. How he can even answer at this point is beyond him. Hell he is impressed he still knows his own name.

"Do. Not. Lie. To. Me. Dean." Cas cuts each word short as he grinds his hips into Dean. Still not giving him what he wants, still teasing.

"Fuck Cas." Dean pants "From the first time I saw you okay? I couldn't look into your eyes with out picturing this."

The truth hits Dean hard. He knows it's the truth, and he has been lying to himself for a long time.

With that admission Cas thrusts into Dean, remembering at the last second to shield him from the pain.

Cas begins to move in and out of Dean in long hard strokes. The feel of completion is almost more than Castiel can bear. It feels like he has finally come home.

"Now you will get to experience it first hand." Cas says pumping into his hunter harder, but there is no friction now, just slick sweat effortlessly sliding off their bodies.

"Fucking Christ Cas!" Dean screams. He can't think. Cas is everywhere, and he fucking loves it.

Cas lets go of Dean ceasing all movement and growls.

"Do not blasphemy Dean."

If Dean wasn't so blown with passion he might have laughed at this moment, but it was clear to Dean that the angel was punishing him. And all he can do is whimper.

"Sorry Castiel."

Cas is so heated by the hunter panting his name he begins again to plunge into Dean. This time even harder.

"Say my name again Dean." He encourages.

Dean does what is asked of him and begins to helplessly grind against the trench coat that's underneath him.

"Castiel."

Dean wonders how he is ever going to say that name again without getting all hot and bothered, but it sounds like a prayer to Cas, coming from Dean's lips. The angel's heart slams into his chest. He knows that this is sex for Dean and nothing more. Sometime later maybe they can be tender to each other, but this was too long coming for soft kisses and words of love.

As Cas begins his final assault on Deans body the hunter can't help but think

I am getting banged by an angel of the lord who has some obvious dominance issues face down on MY car practically smothered by HIS trench coat, and his tie wrapped around my hand and there is seriously no place I'd rather be right now.

Now Dean knows how to finish this perfectly. He reaches back and grabs Castiel's hand that's not holding him up on the hood. Dean covers his hand with Cas' and reaches in between himself and his car and begins to stroke himself roughly with his angels tie still tight around his hand.

" Cas...Please...Cas. Ah…."

The sound of Dean begging sends Castiel over the edge releasing so hard he feels the only thing anchoring him to this world is Dean's hard body.

As Cas begins to shudder, Dean breaks too, spending himself all over Cas' tie, his coat and the Impala.

Cas waits for Dean to stop shaking and pulls out of him whipping Dean around fast enough to make the hunters head spin. The angel grabs Dean's hand facing the palm towards his face and licks from the bottom all the way to Deans fingers drawing each one in his mouth. Until he has consumed every last taste of Dean.

The hunter falls back against his car so as not to just melt at Cas' feet.

And with a full on smirk the angel says softly

"You are correct Dean. THAT is what heaven should be like."

**(Crawls from the corner she's been hiding in)**

**So was that okay….Seriously I would love for some one ANYONE to review this. I have gotten no reviews so far…Tell me you loved it…Tell me it sucks…JUST TELL ME!**


	3. One Step Closer

**Okay trying out my new fanfiction vocabulary…I think this chapter contains some whumpage. And thanks for the reviews y'all. Makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Jason Manns…Although it would be awesome to have someone that hot to sing to you all the time. I don't own angry Dean. If I did I would give him an**** outlet for all the anger._**

Dean jumped back from the Impala. If someone had been watching him they would have thought he burned his hand, but really it was the scorching memory he was trying to escape from.

The hunter fell to his knees as emotion washed over him. Glass ground into his knees burying itself deep.

"Sonofabitch!" Dean cursed, looking down at the splotches of blood beginning to bloom on his favorite jeans.

"You owe me a pair of pants you ass candle!" Dean screams almost expecting someone to hear him.

He pulls himself up by the bumper of his car so he doesn't shread his hands like his just did his jeans. Running his hands through his hair he lets out a sigh of disgust.

The only person I should be disgusted with is my damn self. Dean laments angrily. I'm the one who is acting like some freaking girl over nothing. Over what? An oversexed albeit fond memory. Yup might as well start wearing make up and planning tea parties.

He begins to clean up the trail of destruction he's left starting with the floor, picking up the larger shards of glass with his bare hands. Grabbing an empty bucket and reaching down, he cuts himself on a particularly jagged piece.

"Got to be fucking kidding me!" Dean exclaims sticking his bleeding finger in his mouth to stanch the flow. He stands up looking wearily down at the pile of seemingly deadly debris. He's had less trouble killing demons.

He heads over to wash his hands at the sink built into the wall of the tool cabinet. The hunter whistles air through clenched teeth as water runs into the deep gash.

"With my luck it will get infected, contract gangrene, and have to be severed off so there's nothing more than a little nub."

Dean hisses as he pours the last half of a bottle of rubbing alcohol on it.

"Dammit!" Dean swears hurling the empty bottle across the room.

When did I become such a wuss? Dean wonders to himself bitterly. I've been wounded more times than I care to count, and patched up just as many. Hell I should look like Frankenstein all stapled back together again, except for when I got back from the pit it was a clean slate…Well almost…there was one scar left on his body after is stint in hell

"Better not think of that Winchester. That's how we got in this mess." Dean chides himself forlornly.

Dean turns around and begins to right the room again, this time tackling the stubborn pile of glass with a broom and dustpan.

Really? How low could a hunter sink? Here he is wielding a broom and dust pan like June fucking Cleaver instead of his gun.

"Has to be done." He says looking around the room he had laid to waste.

"First thing I've killed in a while." He says chuckling sarcastically, picking up the leg of the broken coffee table.

Thinking to be cleaver he simply tries to balance the bigger three-legged part on top of the leg that has busted off from the whole.

Smiling he steps back to admire his work. The table then promptly falls over.

Dean huffs and tries again because if Dean Winchester is anything, he's a stubborn S.O.B. and he is certainly not going to let some over grown popsicle sticks on steroids get the best of him.

Again the table crumbles to the floor.

"Fuck!" Dean shouts taking long heated strides to the cabinet above the sink.

He throws open the door to the tiny two shelved cabinet hard enough to bend the hinges and begins blindly rummaging around until he feels what he's been looking for.

Triumphantly he pulls out a beat up tube of super glue and holds it above his head like it's Excalibur.

Stomping back over he says while furiously spreading glue on the offensive table. "Now you listen to me you shoddily made, flat topped, wood for brains, rickety piece of crap. If you so much as look like you might be considering even leaning to the left and so help me Lisa will have some new kindling for the fireplace when she wakes up.

Dean stands up slowly walking backwards worried if he breathes wrong it will topple. He thinks it might be leaning to the left a little; then again it might be all the alcohol he's drunk. He's really not sure.

"Great. I am giving "or else" speeches to inanimate objects. One step closer to the crazy house Dean.

He looks around the room satisfied it doesn't look like a tornado left it completely decimated. Looking down at his wrecked pants Dean begins to get irate all over again. Pressing his fingers nails into his palms and biting his lower lip he attempts to reign in the anger so he doesn't erase the progress he has made in cleaning up.

Dean really doesn't want to go into the house. Lisa is probably still up and he's been hiding out in the garage since the night of his thirty-first birthday a couple weeks ago.

Maybe he should just wait until he sneaks in to take a shower in the middle of the night, to snag another pair of pants out of his duffle bag. He never used the dresser Lisa offered him because that all just seemed too permanent.

Its not that Dean doesn't want to stay. As soon as he gets his shit together, he'll move back in, maybe stop acting like a complete douche to Lisa and been.

But Dean sticks to his guns when he said in his experience good things don't just happen.

Or if they did they didn't happen to him. Or if they did happen to him someone would go and yank them out from under you.

So he just waits for the day that Lisa finally has had enough and tells him hes too much and he has to leave. Because everyone leaves in the end.

Dean snaps himself out of his dark thoughts with the realization that he always used to keep a spare change of clothes in the back of the Impala, because sometimes you got covered in monster entrails and who really wants to go around smelling like a rugaru all day?

Dean pulls off the tarp that covers his car and looks at her with shame. He had neglected her far too long, but right now it was still just too much…Some of his best times were in that car and some of his worst too.

He shakes his head hoping it will clear the thoughts that will give him a one way ticket back down memory lane.

He opens the back driver's side door and finds the box he threw all of the clutter into the last time he had parked her,

Dean begins to shuffle through items he either wanted, or were too precious to give up:

The CD by some whiny guy named Jason Manns that Dean had broke in half when Sam said he could hook up his CD player into his tape deck so they could listen to something besides the "Best of mullet rock". One of Bobby's old hats he had lost while helping him reupholster the seats.

And this…

Dean's eyes flutter shut trying to keep a tentative hold on his emotions.

He lifts a tailored leather jacket out of the box. Dean turns it around and smirks a little as he takes in the embroidered angel wings hand stitched in silver thread on the back.

The puts the jacket to his nose and inhales deeply hoping the sent of the previous owner still lingers on, but all the hunter could smell was leather and dust.

Dean remembered the night the jacket was "Acquired" and almost smiles at the bittersweet memory.

He lovingly folds the jacket and places it back in the box, never finding the jeans he was searching for. He sighs in a disgruntled yet resigned manner ands says dejectedly

"Guess it's just that kinda…Year."

Dean turns to pull the tarp back over the Impala and sees a pair of jeans sitting neatly folded on the hood.

Shakily the hunter walks over to the pants and holds them up. They look exactly like the pair he has on, down to place that is slightly burnt where he's struck his Zippo one too many times.

Dean turns looking around a quickly with hunters reflexes checks every nook and cranny until he is absolutely sure he is alone.

He confusedly makes his way back to the couch and falls on it, because his legs give out from under him. Grabbing a bottle of half drunk forgotten whiskey he spins the cap off so hard it whirls across the room. He takes a long pull from it, and a familiar comforting fire makes its way down his chest.

Then putting his head in his hands and wondering if this is how people feel right before they go cuckoo for coca puffs he says to himself.

"What the hell?"_

**Wow …I am really kinda feeling bad about being so cruel to Dean. It gets a little better soon I promise. Well questions comments…Let me know.**


	4. Bad Influence

**Okay I am sorry it has taken me longer to update than usual. This chapter is a doozy though. Also I was distracted by the adorableness that is Misha and my Valentine's Day present which was season 5! So here it is and thanks again for the reviews guys it means the world to me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Dean and CAS in the shower, cuz if I did *Faints at the thought***

**Just don't sue please **

The bar they sat at was dark. Not dirty per se, dingy was a better description. Castiel was on his third shot of Crown, no chaser-truly an angel after his own heart Dean thinks warmly. The shot glass hits the small round table they sat at with a dull thud.

Cas had purchased the bottle out right, and just where the hell he had gotten the money for that Dean was uncertain.

Dean threw back his own shot and looked over at his angel. He looked laid back, or as laid back as a warrior for God could look. He had discarded his ever present trench coat and jacket into the third and empty seat at their table. His tie was still on, but he had untied it so each end just hung from his collar. And he had rolled his sleeves up to just below his elbows. There was the slightest smirk on his face, and a hint of mischief in his eyes.

The package as a whole was sexy as hell. Dean thought to himself, which is probably straight where I am heading back to for banging an angel of the Lord.

Dean snorted into his next shot.

"Dean you are not keeping up." Cas said slamming another shot, and licking his lips enticingly.

"Whoa, buddy" Dean said grinning from ear to ear. He couldn't help it the last couple of weeks had been fan-fucking-tactic in his opinion.

He had been seeing (among other things) Cas every night since that first evening in the middle of nowhere on his car. And things just seemed to get better every time.

For one thing, the angel seemed to be lightening up. Proof was the fact that he was tossing back whiskey with Dean in a little bar in Montana.

Second, Cas was starting to actually joke with him. Like the sole reason the angel had been so uptight in the first place, was because he wanted to get in Deans pants.

"Which is fine by me." Dean said out loud.

What is fine by you Dean?" Castiel asked looking adorably confused.

"Anything you can dish out baby." Dean said cockily leaning into Cas' ear to nip it.

"I believe what you think you can handle, and what I can dish out are two very different things.

Cas leaned into Dean his hand running up his thigh his eyes searing into him.

"Calm down there angel-boy" Dean said chuckling huskily.

"See?" Castiel said triumphantly "I told you, you couldn't handle it."

"Oh I'll handle it alright." Dean said with a look of promise in his eyes "I'll handle all of it when we get back to the room."

"I was hoping you would say that." Cas quipped emptying his shot glass yet again.

"Wow Cas, you really oughta take a breather on things." Dean said watching the angel." What is that five now?"

"Its six Dean and you are one behind." Castiel informed the hunter. "Besides, you know I can tolerate more alcohol that any human can."

"Yeah well I don't want to cart your feathery ass outta here in a wheelbarrow is all." Dean spouted off.

Cocking his head to the side in his signature confused move Cas said "My ass is not feathery."

Groaning Dean begun to explain "I didn't mean-"

"Hot, supple, sexy and perfect, but not feathery." Cas said counting off the words Dean had used to describe said ass with a half-smile.

The look on the hunters face was pure astonishment at the jest that his angel had just made.

"It's really hard to get used to you joking." Dean said leaning in for a kiss.

Just as their lips were about to connect they heard the empty chair scrape against the floor in a loud groan.

A big man-no big didn't really begin to describe this guy-mammoth was a better word. He was easily Sam's height, but with more girth.

He had pulled the rickety wood chair around to face the table while straddling it paying no mind to the fact he had planted his monstrous ass on Cas' coat.

"Hey pretty boy." He said addressing the angel. "I overheard you say you can out drink anyone." Leaning forward and staring into Castiel's eyes he growled "You really believe that?"

"Yes. I do." Cas stated flatly turning back to Dean and pointedly ignoring him.

The big man grabbed the angel by the shoulder and turned him back towards him. "Well I say I can drink your scrawny ass under the table right now."

Castiel looked at the man coldly until he dropped his hand off his shoulder and replied "I assure you, I can out drink you sitting at this table, or under it."

The man tilted his head not sure what to make of Castiel's comment and said lowly "You getting smart with me pretty boy"

"No." the angel said calmly "I simply stated that no matter the circumstances I can drink you."

"Alright," the man said "Then I propose a little bet: You match me, shot for shot and you pick the poison."

"Why would I pick poison?" Castiel asked tilting his head confusedly.

"He means the type of liquor." Dean said leaning in to whisper in his angel's ear.

Cas thought for a moment with a look of concentration on his face and turned to the burly man finally saying "That does not seem fair."

"Wussing out on me already pretty boy? The man said bitingly

No. I do not believe it will be fair to you." Cas supplied truthfully

"How about this." Cas said trying out a very human phrase. "I will match every shot you take with two of my own. You may choose your "poison" and I will drink the liquor with the highest alcohol content in this bar."

The man looks at Castiel like he just sprouted another head and shrugs indifferently "It's your funeral buddy. Now what are the stakes?"

"The stakes"? Cas repeats.

"It means what you are willing to wager." Dean explains helpfully.

I know how gambling works Dean." The angel scolds rolling his eyes.

The man pipes up interrupting the argument Hhow about one hundred dollars?"

"Your jacket." Cas states flatly.

"What?" The man asks incredulously.

Castiel repeats himself wondering if it's really fair to get in a drinking contest with someone so slow witted.

"If I win, I want your jacket."

"Well I sure don't want your ugly ass jacket if I win." The man sputters disgustingly.

Which is good, Dean thinks to himself I got a few fond memories of that coat.

"If you win, Dean will give you five hundred dollars." Cas offers.

Dean gasps at the amount Cas threw out there, that's almost all the money he has. "Whoa, what Cas, I don't think-"

"I know you trust me" Castiel says looking into his hunter's hazel eyes.

A smirk settles on Deans face as he shrugs and says "Lline em' up!"

Walking over to the bar Dean orders a bottle of jack and asks "What the strongest shit you got?"

Looking up the bar tender says "Uh, Everclear, but man you don't want to shoot that do you?"

"Hell no!" Dean exclaims loudly "But my friend wants to." He adds grinning.

"Wow buddy I don't know if-"

Dean cuts him of by passing two hundred dollars to him "And, you can keep the change."

"Good luck." He says handing over the two bottles and pocketing the money.

Dean returned to the table "Here Cas." He said handing his angel a bottle "This is 190 proof, the strongest they got."

Castiel took the bottle from Dean brushing his finger across his hunters and ever politely said, "Thank you Dean."

Dean turned to Burly as he decided to call him since the mammoth man never offered a name "Here's your Jack man." Reaching out to take the dark amber bottle he looks suspiciously at Castiel and growls, "You're not gonna cheat me are you pretty boy"

"No" the angel said flatly.

"Alright then." He says and the game begins

After five shots Burly ask Cas what he does for a living. Dean is ready to jump in and save him. He can't count how many time Castiel had to be rescued from this very question. He was forever going into to detail about the skirmishes of heaven and hell and angels and demons so Dean was pleasantly surprised with Cas' answer.

"I am a tax accountant." The angel's eyes were twinkling as they passed to the eldest Winchesters.

"Yer a hell of drinker for an accountant." Burly said making conversation.

Again Dean prepared to bail Castiel out of trouble, but the angel just looked at the man and said,

"it's your shot."

"Well then."Burly said picking up his glass "Let's keep rolling."

After ten shots Dean is begining to worry. Burly was looking pretty wobbly which was to be expected, but the thing he didn't expect was that Castiel looked a little wobbly himself.

"Cas?" Dean asked his angel, concerned. "You okay buddy?"

"I am fine." He assured him. "I believe that getting cut off from heaven has made my tolerance for alcohol decrease slightly."

Slightly?" Dean repeated. "This looks like a hell of lot more than slightly Cas."

He must be worried Castiel thought to himself. He didn't even chastise me for mentioning heaven in front of this whole bar. And as Cas looked around he realized it was the whole bar. People had gotten up from where they were sitting when word of a showdown spread. Everyone was crowded around their little table watching expectantly. Waiting for one of them to admit defeat.

Dean interrupted his thoughts by saying encouragingly "You could always call it quits ya know."

"Dean." Cas sighed and gave him a small smile of reassurance "I promise you I am fine."

And how can the hunter not believe him when he smiles at him like that., so he orders a beer from the waitress walking by without ever taking his eyes of the angel and says "Okey Dokey."

Twenty shots later and Dean begins to lament to himself:

This guy is by far the most tolerant freaking SOB ever.

_Don't worry; he will only be able to handle two more shots._

You wanna tell me why the hell you're roaming around in my head?

_Because I like watching all the things you think to do to me._

Keep your head in the game dammit!

_I will win Dean. I really want that jacket._

Yeah and what the hell was that all about anyways? When did you become such a fasionista?

_I saw you thinking. You would like to see me in something other than my "_Holy tax accountant" _ensemble. This would be a start. Besides it would be ironic wouldn't it?_

Castiel looked at the jacket in question and smirked when Dean noticed the silver angel wings stitched on the back.

Dean thinks staring at Cas intently.

Okay, okay fine, now pay attention.

_My apologies._

The angel tips back another shot to chants of his name.

Cas! Cas! Cas!

And just as predicted Burly fell out of his chair two shots after Dean's inner monologue.

Everyone begins to cheer the roar of the crowd was deafening. They hoisted the angel up over their heads and began parading him around the room. Castiel had a huge sloppy grin on his face. He was laughing when they finally made their rounds and set him back down next to Dean.

"Wow Cas!" Dean exclaims "Looks like you're a freakin hero man."

Dean looks over at the angel and realizes he is completely wasted. He has a glazed look Dean has seen more times than he can count on his own face after an all-nighter. And that damn adorable smirk has not left Castiel's face since he pulled the jacket off of Burly's comatose figure.

Dean felt his heart slam into his chest as Cas licked a trail of fire from his neck to his ear and said to Dean a little too loudly

"Take me to the hotel." It was a demand. It sounded like the angel Castiel was when the hunter had first meant him. No doubts, absolute.

Dean looks at Castiel with his head slightly tilted and asks "You want me to drive us?" If that was the case I probably should have said no to that last beer the eldest Winchester thought to himself morosely.

Castiel snorted into Dean's neck at growled impatiently "Of course not. I will get us there."

Dean looks more confused than ever "But you just said take you to the hotel."

I know." Cas said agreeing. "but what I meant was take me at the hotel." He said grinning like the cat that had just caught the canary.

"I don't think anyone is taking anything tonight buddy." Dean said. He knew how sex worked when you were as drunk as Castiel was right now. The bottom line: It didn't.

"If you say so." Cas says weaving back and forth in front of his hunter.

"Well I do." Dean says just as the world spins around him and he is suddenly back at the dimly lit hotel room Sam had checked him into this morning. Since his brother had been back things had been strained between the two brothers and even though Dean never told Sam about him and Castiel, Sam had figured it out by the way they had been looking at each other. Something had changed. So when he got two hotel rooms instead of one he used the excuse he was used to sleeping alone now.

Dean walked over to the single queen sized bed in the room and pulled back the covers which was an amazing feat in his opinion considering he had a fist full of angel still.

"Let's get you into bed Cas." Dean said setting the smaller man down.

"I do not require rest Dean." Castiel said huffily. How many times must he remind him?

"Yeah, but your vessel does. And I am pretty sure you wore it out tonight." The hunter says arguing his point.

Castiel nods and inhales deeply. The alcohol from his bet is astonishingly strong. "I can't sleep in this Dean." He says fingering the hem of his button down that had become untucked from his pants.

"Okay, okay. You do kinda smell like an AA meeting gone wrong. Let's get you into the shower."

Dean hauls the angel back up from the bed and walks the couple of feet it takes to get to the bathroom.

"I have never taken a shower before." Castiel says still leaning on Dean looking at the shower confusedly.

"I know." Dean says knowingly turning the water on to just the right temperature. "And let me tell you Cas. That is such a sin."

The angel leaned in and bit his hunter neck roughly.

"No more than anything else we have been doing lately." Castiel said lowly.

"Alright, just cut it out." Dean yelped. "Look Cas I am trying to be the good guy here and not take advantage of you in your completely-

Castiel ran both his hands down Dean's torso dragging his nails.

"hot-"Dean stuttered as Cas grabbed his hips and pulled him into his own.

"Rumpled-"Dean groaned as his angel ran his hand from his hips around to his thighs.

"**Drunken **state." Dean finishes jumping back removing himself from the temptation.

Castiel followed his hunters retreat His gaze smoldering.

"Who said that I am drunk?"

The angel grabbed Dean by his waist and slammed both of them back into the shower wall as water began to pour over their still completely dressed bodies. He then bean to assault his hunter's mouth.

Castiel shirt was clinging to him, almost see through with the water pounding on him. Water began dripping off his nose as he claimed Dean's mouth again.

Dean was so startled by the angels sudden change he just kissed Castiel back dumbfounded water running down the back of his shirt.

"Wait a minute." He said his thoughts catching up with his libido. "You're telling me you've been faking it this whole time?" Dean couldn't believe it. The angel could lie to save his life. Probably literally, let alone give a Grammy performance like he did tonight at the bar.

"No." Cas said running his hands underneath Dean's shirt which was pasted to his body at that point. "I just let my grace down enough to be able to experience the full effects of it. Now that is hindering what I want, I decided I have experienced enough."

Dean thought that was a pretty good explanation, but who was he kidding the angel could have said anything and he would have though it made sense. Especially since Castiel was raining little bites all over Deans jaw.

"Well now what are we gonna do? Dean asked a dripping Cas.

"I thought the answer to that would be obvious." Cas growled into Dean's neck.

Oh yeah?" Dean gasped as his angel bit into his neck. "And what's that?"

Castiel said nothing just looked into Deans eyes. His stare was molten, and he slammed his mouth down on Deans with so much heat the scorching water from the shower felt cold in comparison.

Dean pulled back from the blistering kiss and said between breaths "I was really hoping that was your answer."

And then they were just…Naked.

One second they had clothes the next, nothing. And it took Dean a minute to notice with Castile's lips wreaking havoc on his throat.

"Wow I gotta tell you Cas. That is the handiest feather trick I've seen so far. "He said cockily finally collecting himself enough for rational thought.

"Do you think so"? Cas asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Yeah. From clothed to nothing in two point two seconds. Gotta be a record." Dean said smiling proudly at his angel.

Cas reaches in between himself and Dean and begins to lazily stroke the hunter.

"I believe I can be much. More. Handy." He says emphasizing each word with a stroke. Then he begins to kiss his way down Dean's chest. Turning his head from Dean's chest he asks

"would you like to see how truly handy I can be?" the angel asks wickedly.

Dean can make no response to this other than a groan and a nod of his head. `

"I will take that as a yes." Castiel says grabbing the bar of soap off the rack in the shower.

He begins to slowly lather Dean's body pressing hard into his skin. It almost feels like a massage. When the angel is finished he pushes his hunter under the water. Running his hands all over him to help rinse the water off. Dean just looks at Cas in wonder something warm beginning to bloom in his belly.

Cas runs his hand over the handprint on Dean's shoulder. The tangible proof that Cas had literally pulled Dean from the darkest depths of hell. Dean sighs as Castiel places his had exactly where it must have been when he gripped him tight.

Dean smiles softly at his angel, his eyes sparkling with something he can't-or won't identify.

Castiel begins to kiss and lick the hand shaped scar and the hunter has to hold himself up on the shower wall from the current of pleasure Cas' lips were causing.

The angel began to chase a drop of water from Dean's collar bone with a swirling lounge all the way down his side, stopping to dip into his navel.

He looks up at Dean once just as he reaches the etched chisel that is his hip bone.

Castiel turns his head and his breath is fire on the hunter's length. And without hesitation as with anything that involves Dean he takes him all the way in at once.

"Jeezus Cas!" Dean swears breathily as the angel begins to bob up and down at a leisurely pace.

Where the hell did he learn to do that? Dean wonders unbelieving to himself. The angel had a mouth like…well an angel.

Dean runs his hands through Cas' hair and looks down at him. He is on his knees all signs of worry and doubt gone from his face. He is simply there worshiping Dean.

I wonder if this is what it looks like when he prays.

Dean laughs to himself adding, well if you weren't already bound for the pit that thought pretty much would have sealed the deal.

Castiel begins to do some swirly thing with his tongue that should probably be illegal in all fifty states and Dean can do nothing but repeat his angels name over and over.

"Cas….Cas….Cas…."

Castiel smiles though his ministrations and slowly brings Dean to rapture. He feels Dean give into the back of his throat and revels in his hunter's salty taste that is simply Dean.

He runs his hands slowly up Deans torso and kisses him slowly on the mouth, memorizing every plane of Dean's mouth and tongue.

Dean breaks away to smirk at Cas in astonishment.

"Okay, color me wrong. **That** was handier than the Houdini clothes trick."

Castiel looks into the hunters eyes confused at the reference.

That was not the trick I was referring to Dean." Cas says as he reaches down and gently touches Dean's tip and he is ready to go all over again. Now that really was something.

"Holy fuck Cas!" Dean gasps as the most pleasurable sensation Dean has ever felt in his life shoots through him.

"Generally that is what you get when you fornicate with an angel." Castiel says with a smirk all his own.

Dean smiles at his angel. A big goofy smile. He's happier than he's been..well pretty much ever. And he knows Cas is the reason for it.

Whoa Dean chides himself silently, getting into some mushy chick flick stuff here. Just take it for what it is Winchester which is a great time and a hell of a lay.

"Dean?" Cas asked questioningly.

"Huh?" Dean snapped back to reality.

You seemed lost in your own thoughts." The angel explained.

"I was." Dean admitted "I'm not anymore though." He added after seeing a look of worry cross Castiel's face.

"Good to know." Cas says kissing Dean hotly attempting to banish whatever though had put that look of sheer terror on his face. He pushes his hunter into the wall. The tile is warm against Deans back where the water ran down it, but it compares nothing to the heat of Castiel's body molding to his perfectly like two puzzle pieces locking together.

The hunter runs his hands down Cas' back and stops when he reaches the dip in his lower spine and pushes his angel forward to eliminate any space there was left between them.

He knows Castiel is hard and ready. Dean maneuvers to guide him into his body, but his angel grabs his hand.

Dean looks at him quizzically trying to figure out what is going on in Cas' head.

"Something wrong Cas?" Dean asks worriedly.

Castiel smiles a secret smile and kisses Dean softly.

"I thought we would try something different." He answers the pleading look Dean is giving him.

"Really?" Dean asks "You've had me every which way I can think of Cas, and trust me I have a very vivid imagination.

"Yes you are correct. I have had you almost every way possible." The angel admits. Dean is intrigued by the emphasis on almost. What did this pervy angel have in mind now?

Castiel pupils become larger thinking of every position he has had his hunter in the last few weeks. Dean. His Dean. Always so ready to give. But not tonight.

"But you have never had me Dean." Cas says pointedly. "You have given me everything possible, and now I want to give you something in return."

Dean stares at the angel with a look of disbelief in his eyes.

"Really Cas." Dean says lowly. "**I've** given you everything? You went to hell for me. You rebelled for me. You gave yourself to me and I have given you nothing but heartache, and pig headedness every step of the way. So yeah. You can have me whatever way you want me. It's the least I can do."

Cas looks deep into Deans eyes and speaks from his heart "How can you say that Dean? You have helped me when no one else would. When I wanted to give up you are the one who gave me the strength to continue on. I have watched you fight knowing you can't win. And still you will fight because it is the right thing to do. You are loyal, and trustworthy when everyone around tells me nothing but lies and that is **everything** to me Dean. So the way I want you Dean." Castiel said rubbing his hips against his hunters "Is in me." Cas eyes pierce Deans with a heat that burns him all the way to his core.

"Please." The angel pleaded. "Let me do this for you."

Dean didn't want this, he was comfortable being used. Being the one who gave himself. But this he had no idea how to deal with. Castiel was giving a huge part of himself. Something he had never given anyone. And could never be taken back once given. And Dean didn't feel worthy of such a gift, but the look of desperation in Cas' eyes was more than he could bear. He knew if he tried to speak his voice would give away the emotions warring in him. He was too touched, too aroused and too confused by the flutter in his chest from his angel's words.

So he nodded telling Cas that if he wanted to bestow that gift upon him he would try his damnedest to be worthy of it.

Castiel slowly moved Dean so that Cas was the one pressed into the wall.

Dean pressed his body into his angels fitting perfectly. Leaning into the angel's ear knowing what Cas was giving him he said reverently

"Thank you Cas. Thank you for being my friend." he says pressing at Cas' entrance.

"My companion." He adds more pressure.

"My lover." And with that he slides slowly into Castiel for the first time.

Castiel's breath explodes out of him at the intensity of the pleasure that is coursing through him. He had once again let his grace down. He wanted to experience this as a human would. And he finally understood why Anna chose to fall. It was for this. This feeling of completeness. This feeling of security. Of home. This was everything he had ever wanted. This was love.

Dean pulls agonizingly slowly out of Cas and enters at the same languid pace.

Castiel moans low in his throat and Dean shakes with the effort not to just drive into him.

Dean can't believe this feels as good as it does. It has never felt like this before and there had been a lot of befores. But this, this is sensory over load. And the little begging sounds coming off of Cas' lips aren't helping him at all with his slipping control.

Thankfully Castiel takes it upon himself to pick up the pace. He wraps one leg around Dean's waist and Dean pushes him up the wall so his angel can wrap his other leg around him. His back bracing him against the wall, Castiel pants.

"Dean if you continue to move at this pace, I don't think I will live through this."

Dean knows what Cas says he believes to be true. The angel doesn't lie. So the fact that he honestly believes Dean is so skilled that his heart might stop, well you just can't get a better compliment than that.

So at the behest of his angel he begins to pump a little faster. Wanting to pull this moment out for as long as he can. He looks into Castiel's eyes and when he catches his gaze he has no idea how to handle what he sees.

The angel's eyes flutter shut as though it is too much effort to keep them open any longer. Cas is chewing on his lower lip while making little whimpering sounds.

Something hard slams in Dean's chest. Knowing he is the reason for all of it, and wants to be the only reason for it ever.

"Ah Cas." The hunter says pressing Castiel harder into the wall, still slowly increasing the pace of his thrusts into him.

"Dean." Cas breathes into his hunter's mouth. Its only one word. But the implications behind it could fill a thousand pages. Dean could not hold off any longer. He begins to plunge rapidly into his angel.

Cas kisses him feverishly anywhere his lips can reach. His eyes, cheeks, lips, forehead.

"Dean." Castiel whispers in his hunter's ear as he plummets over the edge of desire. "Dean. I love you." And whether or not Dean wants to admit it or not, those three words push him over too, pulsing into Cas and locking eyes with him as they ride out the waves of ecstasy.

Dean slowly comes down. He looks down at Cas; his eyes are still half closed from pleasure. And he smiles a lazy care free smile at Dean.

He doesn't want to ruin this moment. He has never seen Castiel at such peace. But he will not lie to him. He owes him that much and so much more. He needs him to understand that he doesn't think he's capable (Worthy) of love. That he can't (won't allow) himself to love. Everyone he has ever loved has been lost to him.

"Cas." Dean says softly. Sadly.

Castiel puts two fingers to Dean's lips much like he does when he moves the hunter through time and space.

"Shhhh. Dean." Cas assures him. "I expect nothing in return until you are ready to give it."

Dean looks at Castiel with a forlorn fear that the angel has never seen on his hunters face before.

"What if I can't?" Dean asks his voice broken. There, he's said it. Now comes the part where Cas flutters off irate that he ever wasted his time on such a pathetic soul.

Castiel pulls the hunter towards him and kisses him soundly.

"I have had faith in you for this long Dean. I have had faith in you to do the right thing. And I have faith you can love me in return."

Dean shakes his head still not believing in the unwavering trust and certainty Castiel has in him.

"What if you're wrong Cas?" What if he can't do this what if it's too much. What if he fails the only person who has ever meant this much to him?

Castiel just smiled knowingly at him and said.

"When it comes to you Dean Winchester, I never am."


	5. A Pain That I

**Okay here the next one. It's good that Dean finally got his game back a little. If you notice all these chapters are named after songs. These are the songs I was listening to when I wrote the chapter. Just in case you would like to listen while you read. I know music always helps me interpret the story better, but I suppose I could just be crazy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own questioning Dean. If so I would have let him "Interrogate" me a LONG time ago LOL!**

Dean sat, head in his hands as he pulled out of the memory with a snap. He started so hard he kicked over the more than half empty whiskey bottle that sat at his feet. He focused on the smoky amber liquid as it slowly soaked into the concrete trying to collect himself. He could still feel it. He could still feel everything.

The water on his chest, warm and fresh. His swollen lips bruised by scorching kisses. The completely consuming heat of a certain angel.

Running his hands through his short blond hair he laughed shakily and said "Well, I am so not drunk enough for this."

Because it all felt so real. The steam from the shower. His foot falling asleep where it was pressed down over the drain. If he looked he thought he would see the imprint of the drain on his heel. He realized his hair was damp and then he smelt the familiar sent of soap. Sam's soap. Soap Dean would have never thought to buy. Soap he had asked Lisa never to purchase. It's the brand that was in the shower when Cas had lathered him up.

Things began to sluggishly click into place in the hunters mind.

Maybe I am not going crazy. He sniffed his hands again. I'm not going crazy, because I have proof. I have tangible hands on proof. Dean glanced over to the Impala and sure enough the worn jeans that were a duplicate of his own were still sitting there. A little rumpled where the eldest Winchester had let them fall, but real none the less.

So maybe he thought to himself I am not certifiable. Maybe someone is hardcore dicking with me. It's not like it would be the first time that some sonofabitch played with his fragile grip on sanity.

But this seemed so personal to Dean. The only two people he could even contemplate getting their rocks off on something like this, were long gone.

The first was Zachariah. Dean could see the CEO mastermind of heaven getting some seriously perverse jollies off of slowly driving him insane with thoughts of the only person he had ever been truly happy with. But the hunter had seen to that douche in business clothing himself. Put an angel sword through his head so he looked like an olive on a toothpick in a martini.

The only other candidate in his mind was the trickster. And even though he could see the trickster finding this entirely too amusing (I mean come on we are talking about the dude who offed me like a hundred times) he really couldn't imagine Gabriel the archangel (even though they were one and the same) Getting the same entertainment from it. Besides, once he finally grew a pair and joined team free will, he was all too quickly ended by Lucifer. So scratch that idea as well.

The only other sadistic being in all of creation he could even fathom pulling this off was that damn teenage mutant ninja angel. It was really the only other choice.

Of course he just assumed that Cas would keep his bitch on a leash. But he must have too much on his angelic plate upstairs trying to be the long arm of the law.

Either that or he was still pissed off at me from the last little encounter we had. Dean thought to himself. Maybe he didn't give to shakes of one shit about him anymore.

"Whatever." Dean huffed out. "Screw this. I've gotta figure out just what in the hell is going on."

He stood up and began to pace. He looked to the ceiling of the garage with a look of half remorse and half anger on his face.

"Cas?" Dean says quietly. "I don't know why I expect you to answer me; after all I've only tried this a hundred or so times now. Something's up Cas. Someone's….Someone's jerking me around pretty bad down here. I'm guessing…I'm guessing its Raphael. I could use some answers. Or help. Or whatever."

Dean comes to a dead stop, a feeling in the air. He thinks; maybe this time he'll hear me. This time he'll come. Maybe, just maybe this time he'll give a flying fuck.

But nothing came.

"Well, it figures." Dean said snidely. "Typical angel douchery. Can't get them to leave when you're tired of them and can't get them to come when they're needed."

"Thanks for NOTHING." The hunter screams as if he could be loud enough he could get a response.

Okay. The eldest Winchester thinks to himself. Obviously I am all I've got to figure this thing out. I'll just treat it like a hunt.

"Okay so backtrack." He mutters to himself walking over to the sink once more and opening a drawer. He shuffled around until he found his old notebook he used on the road preapocolypse. He began jotting down facts about the things that been occurring lately. His blood began to pump faster. A surge of adrenaline kicked through his system. And he felt more sober than he had in days. The prospect of being useful even if it was for his own plight was overwhelmingly exhilarating.

He looked at his notes and laughed. Sammy always said that Dean's handwriting was for shit.

"Dude how can you even read that?" He used to say. "I mean it looks like you just hold a pen over the paper and drop it at random angles.

And Dean would tilt his head kinda like Cas did and would chuckle while saying. "I really can't Sam. I really can't"

That was the first thought he had of his brother since That Day that hadn't brought a sharp pain of sorrow, loss and ultimately guilt.

Dean realized then he could stay and play Mr. Mom forever. Hunting though, hunting was the only life that would truly fulfill him. The apple pie life he thought he wanted didn't work. It was slow, and overly sweet and simply too much to try to deal with. This though. This feeling of being able to help someone, even if it was himself. This was right. This was what he longed for.

He pushed all that to the back of his mind so he could focus on the case at hand.

Okay first: Evidence. He has evidence. He walked over to his car and slowly reached for the pants as if he moved too fast he might startle them into attacking or disappearing. But no, they were still here, still real, corporeal. Now that he wasn't so freaked out (But in a manly way dammit.) he could really study them. He looked from the jeans he had on to the ones in his hands.

Identical. The same threadbare spots, the same stains. Dean took the other pair of jeans and checked the pockets. Both intact. He then reached in his own pocket on the right side and ripped a hole in it. He opened the top of the other pants, and pulled the pockets back up, and sure enough there was a hole in the right pocket where there hadn't been moments ago.

So not a human doing this. No way.

The voice he had heard in his head. The honey on gravel growl could have been planted in his head, but also could have just been wishful thinking on his part. And the whiskey. A whole hell of a lot of whiskey.

But he had one more very substantial piece of evidence. Probably the biggest one of all.

He walked back over to the drawer he had pulled the worn notebook out of and pulled out a plastic bag. He opened it up and slid out a torn piece of one of his old flannel shirts that had seen one too many monster mashes.

He opened the flannel scrap like he was moving in to defuse a time bomb with thirty seconds on the clock, and carefully almost; reverently lifted up the contents.

It shined-No glistened in the light coming through the dusty windows. It still awed him how beautiful something so small and seemingly insignificant could be.

Longing entered the hunter's eyes as he gazed at the object in his hand. A smile began to slide across his face, and he let the memory slip over him this time like a lovers touch. It was warm, familiar. It was home.

All these thoughst went through Dean's mind as he stared at the single feather in his hand.

**I know uber short chapter right? Well even so reviews are the sugar in my energy drink. So keep em coming!**


	6. My Guardian Angel

**Alright the last chapter was so short I figured I better post another one pretty soon or y'all would throw things at me! This one is kinda short too, but you need to blame Dean and Cas for this not me! I just write the words in my head. Anywho enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castiel with wings. Wish I did though. Getting to Con in June would be easier. Also I don't own adorable Dean. Much to my dismay…**

Dean leaned over his angel, propped up on one elbow. Lazily running his hand up and down Castiel's bare chest, amazed at how content he felt just to lay in bed with him and be at ease. Even if it was for just a few hours. It seemed as if the time they spent in each other's arms pushed back all the things they were facing. Dean dealing with him and Sam's new and estranged relationship. Cas full on rebelling from heaven and thereby becoming more human every day. Even the Apocalypse seemed to dim in the time they just lay in the motel of the week's bed and laughed, talked or even just stretched out quietly to rest.

"Hey Cas?" Dean asked quietly.

Castiel opened his piercing blue eyes just a fraction to look at his hunter.

"Yes Dean?" The angel replied softly, sitting up on both his elbows to look into his hazel eyes

The eldest Winchester looked slightly abashed as he begins running his hands over Cas' shoulder blades eliciting a shudder from him.

"What do they look like?" Dean says staring intently into the angels eyes.

"What does what look like?" Castiel said tilting his head in his typical manner. Dean found endearing that Cas could still look like such a…well angel, and be such a devil in the sack.

'Uh, well your wings. I know I can't see them, with the blinding fire and all, but I dunno maybe you could tell me what they look like?" Dean felt the burn in his cheeks as he all but turned into some freaking fan girl over the idea of Cas' wings.

"I believe I can do better than that." Castiel says giving Dean a small smile.

He gets up and walks to in front of the bed. The smile leaves his face and he gets his "This is some serious shit we are about to do" look, and says "But Dean you must do exactly as I say. I won't put you in any danger just to appease your curiosity. You must promise to do anything I tell you."

"Anything?" The hunter says lifting an eyebrow. Kinky."

"I am serious Dean. This is not a simple feat I am going to perform. I have to actually manifest my wings. If you see them on this plane for even a moment it could kill you." The angel said driving the point home.

Dean got up off the bed and walked to Castiel.

"Wow, no pressure or anything Cas." He says to the angel with a chuckle.

"Dean." Castiel said warningly.

"Sir yes sir!" Dean says saluting. The angel just looks at him his cerulean gaze never wavering. Realizing the hunter isn't going to get so much as eye roll from his joke, he says "Alright, alright, I will do exactly as you say." Dean obliges his angel.

"Promise me Dean." Castiel says taking another step towards his hunter. "Promise you will do what I tell you." He prods with a growl.

I promise." The hunter says with a twinkle in his eyes. "You can be Han Solo and I'll be chewy." He finishes smiling.

"What? I don't-Never mind." The angel says realizing its one of those references Dean is forever quoting that makes absolutely no sense to him whatsoever.

"I cannot let you see them on this plane of existence Dean, but I can give you a mental imprint if you will. So you can get a sense of what they look like". Castiel explains to the hunter who has a skeptical look on his face.

Okay" Dean says drawing the word out uncertainly. "A little uneasy here." If this is like Cas' angel airlines shtick he'd just assume to skip the whole damn thing.

"I will let nothing happen to you Dean. On that you have my word." Castiel assures the hunter. He steps directly in front of him and Dean can't help but make Cas understand he has complete faith in him.

"I trust you Cas, hell I trust you more than anyone." He admits quietly.

Castiel gives the hunter a quick kiss and pulls back with a smug smile on his lips.

"That is good to know." He says as he places both hands on Dean's shoulders.

"Now, close your eyes Dean." The hunter wants to ask what's going to happen but he doesn't. One he just told Cas that he trusted him so playing twenty questions just because he was nervous seemed a little whiny. And number two he doesn't want to sound like some frightened chick. So Dean simply does what was asked of him.

When he closes his eyes he's suddenly on a mountain clearing. He can see for miles around from the height they are at. Dean spins around taking it all in when his gaze finally rests on his angel. Dean looks over in awe at Cas and asks unbelievingly "Where the hell did you take us?"

"The Himalayas." Castiel states calmly. "but this is only in your mind. In truth we are still in the hotel room."

Oh." Dean says good humoredly. "Well that makes perfect sense,"

Cas walks up behind him and runs his hands down his hunters arms and slowly moves around Dean. Dean sighs at his angels touch. Something brushes against his back as Cas moves to face his hunter.

At first, all that Dean noticed was that Castiel's already breathtaking eyes had become more so. They are still that amazing color of blue like the final blue of the sky before darkness finally wins the celestial struggle. Only now the irises are out lined in liquid gold.

Then, finally he noticed them. How could he not? Each one spanned six feet at least and they matched the ring around the angel's eyes. They shifted from dark gold to almost sliver as Castiel stretched and ruffled them. Dean was speechless as he took in the first sight of Castiel's wings.

"Holy-"Dean catches himself before the phrase could roll off his tongue. Now was probably not the best time to swear or take Cas' daddy's name in vain. "Wow Cas that is by far the coolest thing I have EVER seen." Dean says in complete awe.

"Really?" Castiel says his eyes shining. "You're not just saying that?" He added quietly, almost shyly.

"No I-Whoa, wait. Dude, are you embarrassed?" Dean asks skeptically. He had seen more emotion from his angel in the last weeks, than he ever thought possible, but this was one emotion he never thought he'd see. Embarrassment and stoic angel of the lord just didn't equate in Deans mind. It was unnatural. Like a dessert menu with no frigging pie.

Castiel rubbed his neck a sure sign he was nervous. "I looked into your mind Dean. I know you had such high expectations. I am worried I let you down." He explained to his hunter, looking at the ground.

Dean lifts Cas' chin with a finger. "Apart from the creepy mind stalking thing I have told you not to do only a thousand times, I really don't think you could have done any better." He tells his angels reassuringly.

"So then, you do like them?" The ring of hope on Castiel's voice is more than Dean can bear. So even though it's one of the most chick flick things he will ever say, he simply tells Cas for once exactly what he's feeling.

"Yes, God yes Cas. They're beautiful. You're beautiful." The hunter says softly, reverently.

Dean runs a hand through one of Castiel's massive wings. It's so warm and soft. He thinks to himself.

Cas quivered at Dean's touch a let out a low moan.

"Okay, not what I was expecting, but I am sure as hell not complaining." Dean says and runs both hands into Castiel's wings.

"D-Dean." Cas sighs brokenly

"Oh yeah," Dean says huskily. "Definitely not complaining.

**Okies then that's all for now. By the way I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who writes reviews, adds this to their favs or put it on alert. I dunno why y'all do it. Is it because you're so awesome? I think it's+ because you're so awesome. Reviews are like warm cherry pie to me. So keep em' coming!**


	7. Lonely Boy

**Okay here we go again. I know I know…too shot right? Please lodge all complaints with Dean's mind, because really it came outta his head LMABO! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own nostalgic Dean. I am sure if I did, I could take his mind off the past, even if it was just for a little while **

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The memory faded, but once again, Dean could still feel the lingering effects of everything his mind had experienced. And now that he was aware of it and somewhat more prepared, he reveled in the fact that he had somehow recaptured something he thought was lost to him.

Like the smell of Castiel, which wasn't unlike the crisp mountain air he could still feel sharply in his lungs. The smell of Cas was like waking refreshed in the morning, with the warm sunlight kissing your face.

Cas smelled like….Home.

Dean sighed sadly expelling the air in a long shaky breath. He remembered again how happy the angel had been when he told him what he really thought of his wings.

"Dammit." Dean swore to himself painfully overcome with emotions, remembering how Castiel's eyes had shined with love at Dean's admittance.

He busied himsel,f gingerly replacing the feather in the trappings he had retrieved it from.

His finger trembled as he went about his task.

This is just too much. Dean thought to himself.

Now is really not the time to go and have a frigging mental breakdown Winchester! Besides…

He reasoned.

Isn't that exactly whatever this ass clown behind all this crap wants. For him to be drooling in his pudding cup? I mean what the hell else could it possibly be right?

Well not gonna happen twinkles. Sorry.

"It would sure be nice if there was someone here to bounce ideas off of." Dean lamented out loud, startling himself.

"Well, not gonna happen buddy, but thanks for playing." Dean said smirking at no one.

No Sam. No Cas. No Anybody. Just him.

So where to start…Research!

There was only one teeny tiny problem with this whole scenario.

Dean sucked at research. He sucked beyond the telling of it. Sure he probably should have participated a little in that aspect of the hunt, but that's what his nerdy little brother was for.

He got the chicks, and Sammy got carpal tunnel from typing info into multiple search engines web sites.

Dean snorted at the thought.

Just need to focus." Dean chided himself.

It's not like I have never done research. It's not like I've never used a computer, or opened a book.

In fact he can't count how many times has cut his finger open on a rough page from one of the old tomes in Bobby's ancient library.

Okay so maybe technology wasn't his friend. Maybe he would just sit a computer and glare at the screen, trying to stubbornly will it to the information he needed, until Sam would come and boot his ass out of the chair and work his geeky magic.

Maybe even texting used to hurt his head when he was first trying to figure out that damn auto insert crap.

And sure, maybe he had ribbed Cas for days about not being able to figure out his voicemail…All knowing angel of the lord my ass.

But hes' pretty sure he would have done not one iota better.

Of course the only thing he had to research was himself. And who knew more about the infamous Dean Winchester, than the infamous Dean Winchester? Pretty much no one.

"Okay so again with the backtracking." The hunter said speaking out to the silence.

Walking back to the coffee table where he had laid his notebook and pen he began to write things down. He documented everything that had occurred starting with the most recent incident and working his way back.

He worked for an hour nonstop making a real attempt to write clearly enough that he might be able to decipher it again when he really needed it.

Dean got up and sauntered over to the mini fridge he had picked up at a garage sale a few weeks back and yanked open the little door. His hand closed over a long neck and then hesitated and bypassed it to reach into the very back of the cooler where he grabbed the lone can of soda he had added to the inventory just in case Ben wanted to come and hang out with him.

He didn't. The boy hadn't really spoken to the hunter, since Dean had exiled himself to the garage. Dean didn't blame him. Hell he wasn't exactly the poster boy for "Stable male role model."

Maybe closer to "Depression and mild schizophrenic." Poster child.

"Which was still better than being the poster boy for frigging genital herpes!" Dean gawffed remembering him and Sam's time when they were stuck in Gabriel's T.V. Hell.

Poor Sammy had to be the spokesperson for Herpexia. Funniest. Shit. Ever.

Cracking a smile and his soda, he moved back towards the couch.

Wow. Dean thought to himself

I haven't been this…Happy? No that wasn't it. He was far from that..Content? Nope wasn't that either. I'll just go with not pissed off. He finally decided.

Not pissed off in a while now.

After he had organized his notes into some semblance of an order, the hunter begins to look them over.

The only thing he was missing was that first piece.

And without it nothing that followed made any kind of sense.

He knew right when it had happened. He could pin point the day, hour, hell even the minute when this al thisl began to unravel.

The moment he thought his mind began to play tricks on him. The moment when he began to doubt his own sanity.

It was just over two weeks ago, the day his world began to crumble.

It was of course his 32nd Birthday, because holidays, the Winchesters, and shit hitting the fan went hand in hand. Like tacos and beer. Hell, it was tradition, he chuckled remembering Christmas', Halloweens, Thanksgivings, and yes birthdays too that went anywhere from just plain craptastic to "gee I hope I haven't damaged any important organs" and so far as "I hope I can hold said organs in long enough to make it to the E.R."

So did Dean have high hopes for his B-day? Hell no.

But seeing as he was no longer hunting, he figured it would just be…Depressing, with a little melancholy thrown in to add spice. Not some mind shattering delusion that would rock his apple pie life so hard that has still reeling from the blow it dealt and everything that followed.

Deep down however, the hunter knew something like this would happen that something would come for him eventually. He had done a damn fine job of pissing of every evil SOB he came in contact with. Most of them he killed. But not all.

That was another reason why he wouldn't get settled in with Lisa and Ben. Because everyone that got close to him was either ripped away or chose to go.

So it was really just safer for everyone. Them, him; everyone, if he just kept his distance.

The hunter closed his eyes and thought back two weeks, bringing up the details as vividly as he could in his mind. There was no feeling of being drawn onto the memory this time, and he knew when he was finished there would be no lingering scent or touch.

This was his own memory he was trying to coax into the light of day, and into written word.

As he slowly began to pull the thought from his "Dream" file in his brain to the forefront, Dean put his pen to the paper and began to write.

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**Okay so there you have it The End….Just kidding don't hurt me! I might type up the next chapter tonight, but maybe not because I am so crazy excited about the episode that's on tonight. Anywho reviews are the bacon on my cheeseburger guys so hit me up!**


	8. Dawn

**Okay another day another dollar and all that jazz. So here we go…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dean or Jensen (HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENSEN) on their b-days, because if that were the case cake wouldn't be the only thing for desert!**

Dean had pretty much been drinking since he had woke up. He wasn't drunk. He was still Dean Winchester after all and even if they were going to make him face this horrible monster he had managed to avoid most of his adult life, he still had his principles. And getting shit wrecked at nine AM in front of the boy he thought of as a son was just not one of them.

Even if it was his birthday (cringe). The day wasn't so bad really.

The barbeque in the back yard with the neighbors was pretty cool, and the game of football him and Ben got into was awesome, he even let Ben tackles him. He's pretty sure his knee might never forgive him.

He had only thought about _him_ maybe once…or twice…so okay a dozen times, but that was still way less than the norm.

Yup everything had been going as smooth as one of these wretched holidays could go, that is until later that evening.

The cake came out of the kitchen with a flourish. It was Dean's favorite. Strawberry cake (With real strawberries of course) and homemade chocolate frosting. Lisa gave him a gentle kiss on the check as she set the cake platter down in front of him. He noticed there was only one large candle in the middle of the cake. He looked at Lisa and Ben with a questioning raised eyebrow.

"We tried to put 31 candles on it, but it kept setting off the smoke detector so…Ben quipped trying for Dean's sarcasm in his squeaky voice.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Dean replied grabbing the boy in a head lock and noogieing the kid for all it was worth.

"Make a wish Dean." Lisa said after an off key rendition of happy birthday with ben contributing all sorts of fart noises while Dean tried not to laugh and look as stern as Lisa who was glaring at them both.

"Yeah Dean!" Ben said excitedly, distracted for the moment. "You wish for what ya want the most, and if you wish hard enough, it'll come true.

The boys comment hit Dean like a grand piano falling out of a second story window.

The hunter closed his eyes, shutting them tightly. In his mind he pictures piercing blue eyes, a tie askew, and that damn tan trench coat. And over and over again he chants in his mind like a prayer:

"Cas. Cas. Cas."

The eldest Winchester opened his hazel eyes, and let them travel around the room. I cannot believe I am actually looking for this chuckle head. Dean thinks to himself despondently.

He thought that because maybe it was his birthday, the first one without Sam or Bobby that maybe that feathered dick could take five frigging minutes out of his heavenly agenda to wish him well.

The feelingless SOB probably didn't even realize it was his birthday. Hell he might not even know it's polite to drop in and have cake. But Cas was at his last birthday, by accident he "whooshed" into him and Sammy's hotel room only to find three empty sis-packs, a cherry pie with a candle in it and Sam insisting that since Cas was already there, he should stay and yes the strange, ugly conical hat was absolutely necessary.

He stayed, even though Dean knew there was some heavy shit going down upstairs. He stayed, because it was important to Dean.

Apparently what was important to Dean, no longer mattered. Since it didn't involve the struggle of heaven it wasn't on the priorities list.

The thought shook Dean down to his very foundations. Sure, Castiel was an angel of the Lord. A stiff, stoic, boring angel, but he was never really a dick, once he began to doubt heaven. And he had NEVER blown Dean off. EVER. Especially if it was important to Dean.

Well, it was obvious that things had changed. Drastically. Cas' absence the entire day proved that. In spades.

The hell with this, Dean thought pushing his chair back from the table abruptly causing the legs to scrape in an agonizing wail.

"Dean?" Lisa asked him questioningly.

"I'm-I'm not, uh, not feeling all that hot." Dean said knowing it wasn't a lie. Realizing that Cas had really abandoned him for heaven gave the Winchester a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Okay." Lisa said ever the understanding one. Dean never understood why she didn't just lash out at him. Lord knows he had given her ample reason to. She has never thrown a fit, never lashed out at him like chicks were supposed to do when their men didn't behave. He could have handled that, but the sweet, simpering understanding she exuded just made the sadistic side of his nature want to see how far he'd have to push her before she snapped.

"I think I'm just gonna go outside and catch some fresh air." He said collecting his jacket off the coat hook where Lisa had patiently placed it after picking it up off the back of the couch where Dean had carelessly disguarded it after coming in for the days earlier activates.

"Alright Dean, I'll just clean up in here, and then I'm headed up to bed." Lisa said.

"Do you want me to come with you Dean?" Ben said trying on his adult voice. It would have worked except for the excitement and child-like awe in the boys eyes.

He is really starting to grow into himself. Dean thought to himself almost proudly. Soon he'll be a young man, trying to follow in Deans footsteps. He had already all but begged him to talk about hunting. And Dean would let the world end before he ushered Ben into that kind of life.

"Nah." Dean said ruffling the boy's hair. "You stay here and help your mom clean up."

"Awww….Man." Ben whined dropping all semblance of adulthood as Dean quickly closed the door behind him.

Looking up at the sky Dean sighed and said "I really thought you'd be here. I just figured if you were gonna drop in now would have been that time."

Silence from the twinkling stars was his only response.

"Yeah, well wish in one hand and-" Dean muttered softly closing the door to his truck.

Dean drove to the liquor store with ACDC blaring. He sang along loudly to "Shook Me All Night Long." Beating out a tattoo on the steering wheel.

When he got to the hole in the wall they deemed a liquor store he strolled in and headed straight to the whiskey and grabbed three bottles of top shelf. Now that he had a steady, safe job he could afford the good stuff.

As he walked up to the check out a girl with brown, almost black hair and cornflower blue eyes stared at him. Dean did something he hadn't done in a long long time. He flirted back.

"How are you doin tonight?" She drawled. She had one of those southern accents that turned him to mush.

"I'm doing a lot better now." He said giving his best "get me laid" face. Leaning on the counter.

"That's good to know hun." She said ringing up his purchases. "You know you could be doing a whole lot better." She said staring into his eyes intently.

"Oh I bet I could, but if I don't get back to my own birthday party there could be some serious hell to pay." He said smirking at her.

"Well darlin, if you change yer mind…" She drawled leaving it an open invitation and writing her number with a sharpie on the side of his bag.

"Thanks." Dean threw over his shoulder walking out the door.

He tossed the bag over into the passenger seat and caught the bubbly writing that could have only come from a chick.

It read:

In case you get bored darlin,

555-1008e

Cassie

Dean started at the name…Cassie.

"Ugh, not what I need right now. Not by a LONG shot!" The last part was bellowed to the heavens.

He drove in silent anger all the way home.

Later that evening Dean was trashed. He had lost count of how many glasses of whiskey he had consumed. He laid his head back on the couch he had moved into the garage a couple days ago.

He had no idea what was on the T.V. he had been tuning in and out of his own thought for a couple hours now. He looked up to see a not to bad looking chick with wings telling some guy she was an angel.

"Fuck that." Dean said grabbing the remote and slamming down the off button. Tossing the remote back on the cushion next to him it bounced off the couch and onto the floor the back and batteries scattering in all directions. Dean was too far into his whiskey induced haze to care. He watch listlessly as a battery rolled under the couch.

Dean knew he had been drifting in and out of consciousness for a little bit now. And he suddenly found himself in a dream.

Soft lips brushed against his own, a hand reaching around to cup the back of his hair.

Dean wanted desperately to open his eyes, but he was worried if he did the dream would end. So he kept his eyes shut tight and dwelled on the familiar breath across his neck.

He shuddered placing a hand on rough stubble like he had so many times before.

"You were enjoying yourself tonight at the liquor store weren't you Dean." He heard growled into his ear.

"Cas?" Dean asked uncertainly still afraid to open his eyes.

"You have forgotten me already?" the angel said into Dean's ear lowly.

"No, hell no Cas. I was hitting on her, because her eyes reminded me of..Of yours."

"Shhh..Dean" Castiel growls in his ear. "Just feel."

He feels his angel's body press down firmly into his own, as Cas rains kisses down his neck and throat.

"Is this real?" Dean asks

"do you want it to be?" The angel asks him softly.

"It would be a hell of a birthday present." Dean says breathily pulling Cas' lips back to his own to kiss him with a desperation he didn't know he possessed.

"Then, it is real." Castiel said pulling back just slightly to brush his lips over Dean's forehead tenderly. "As real as you want it to be Dean." He whispered running his hands under his hunters back t-shirt.

"God Cas, I love it when you say my name." Dean utters mindlessly as his angel begins to knead his back.

"Dean." Castiel says in his ear biting down softly on his lobe.

"Dean." He says running his hands to the front of his chest and pulling up his shirt.

"Dean." He says kissing his abs.

"Dean, Dean, Dean-"

"Dean? Dean?" Lisa says leaning over the hunter.

"Dean?" She says shaking him gently.

"Wha-Cas?" Dean asks groggily.

"Dean, its Lisa." She says worriedly looking at the almost empty bottle of whiskey at the foot of the couch.

"Lisa?" Dean asks still looking confused.

"Yes. Dean are you okay?" Lisa said picking up the bottle of alcohol and screwing the lid back on.

"Fine. I'm fine. ." Dean said proving the exact opposite as he looks around the room as if he's lost something.

"Dean. Who is Cas?" Lisa inquired softly.

"What-who?" Dean said running his hand through his hair nervously and still looking around. "No one Lis."

"You just called out to someone named Cas.' She prodded gently trying to refresh his memory.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Dean denied finally done scoping out the garage.

Lisa sat down next to Dean pulling her feet up under her.

"Sounded pretty heated." She said with a small smile.

"Yeah well, I still have NO idea what you're talking about." He insisted.

"I get it." She said standing up. "deny until you die." She said teasing him.

She moved in to kiss Dean on the lips and at the last second the hunter turned his head so her lips landed on his cheek. She raised an eyebrow at the gesture but said nothing as she exited the garage.

He had to turn his head. He could still feel Cas' lips on his, still taste him on his lounge. He didn't know if Lisa would smell it or taste it if she kissed him. Better safe than sorry. He thought guiltily.

Dean gets up from the couch and exclaims "What the hell?" Running his hand through his hair in utter frustration.

"Cas?" Dean calls out.

No answer.

"Cas. Cas? Dammit Cas!" He yells until he's hoarse.

Dean stomps around the garage making sure he hasn't missed anything.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Cas?"

Great. Just fucking great losing my mind.

He turns back to the couch. Nothing looks different. He begins to wonder if it was all in his head, a product of too much whiskey.

Dean's eyes wander to where he remembers Cas' body pressed into his and notices something sticking out from between the cushions.

He leans down shakily and retrieves it lifting it up into the light.

In his hand is a single perfect golden feather.

**And scene. LOL! Wow it getting more and more obvious something is really messing with Dean's head huh? Don't worry this will be wrapped up in a few more chapters! But oh the next chapter will be when Dean told Cas he loved him…FINALLY! Anywho Reviews are the pepperoni on my pizza!**


	9. The Reason

**Okay so here we are again. This is almost over. Just two more chapters. I am so thankful for all the reviews and adds guys seriously that makes it all worth it. So without further ado here's the chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Cas dressed like this, if I did he wouldn't be that was for long. And I don't own Dean in this state either.**

**Also I don't own Land Shark beer. That's all Jimmy Buffett. But y'all should try it!**

Dean looked up from his notebook. One solitary splotch had made a wet blot over Castiel's name. Dean had tried to catch the offending tear before it ran off his cheek, but he was a split second late.

Him opening up to that one memory had started a landslide of them one more bittersweet that the last.

Like the time Dean had put on Rock of Ages, and he caught Cas bobbing his head to it, to which he asked "What? It's not so bad."

Or when he and his angel lay back on the front of the Impala just drinking beer and looking at the stars for hours like him and Sammy used to do.

This one though, this memory was by far the most painful, and yet the most treasured.

Cas was all but human, and they were in the eleventh hour so to speak. Tomorrow they were going to face Lucifer, and for good or ill it would all be over.

If they survived this Dean and Cas decided they were going to take so time off, drive around the country and NOT hunt things. They were taking a vacation or a honeymoon if you asked Bobby and Sam who now teased them pretty much unmercifully. But Dean thought just to be able to see Cas every single day it was well worth it.

Castiel and Dean both stood on Bobby's porch leaning on the railing, each nursing a beer.

Cas had eventually begun to actually like the taste of beer, much to Dean's amusement.

A week ago the eldest Winchester decided that the angel just needed to find the right beer and he would enjoy it.

Dean tried him on Bud, Coors, Miller, Heineken, Corona (He sort of liked that one.) and Sam Adams. He finally found an obscure brew called Land Shark, which Castiel deemed less offensive than the rest, and promptly knocked back half a six pack.

Dean not really caring what kind of beer he drank began to purchase the beer of his angels choice much to the entertainment of his brother and Bobby who had begun to be so childish even "Dean and Cas sitting in a tree" became a favorite quote of the two. Despite all that Cas had actually become quite the drinker, tipping one back with Dean every night.

Much the same way they were tonight, leaned against the railing lost in their thoughts until one of them broke the silence. Tonight it was Castiel who initiated the conversation.

"So." Cas said clearing his throat.

"So." Dean said looking at his angel.

"Tomorrow we try to kill the Devil…again." He states flatly.

"That's the rumor." Dean answers.

"What are your plans? Cas asks with a twinkle in his eyes directed at his hunter.

Dean picks up on the joke of the time when their roles were reversed and drops his voice as low as it will go and responds, "I just thought I'd sit here quietly. He says as monotone as possible.

"Really?" Castiel says looking forlorn.

"Nah," Dean retorts smiling "I was actually thinking about banging you in the backseat of the Impala."

Cas wrinkles his nose at the thought; Dean catches the funny face almost immediately.

"So no sex or no Impala?" The hunter asks confused.

"I want to have sex with you Dean." Cas assures him sincerely

"Well that's good to know, cuz you were starting to give me a complex." Dean says good naturedly.

"I do not wish to have sex with you in the same place that you had sex with **her.**" He finishes bitterly.

It takes Dean a minute to realize who "**her" **is. There have quite a few "hers" in the bacl of his car, but only one that would make his angel turn his nose up in disgust. Anna.

"okay, I can see where that would be a little weird." Dean admits smiling at Cas who still looks thoroughly disgusted and maybe even a little jealous?

"Is that jealousy I see in your angelic eyes Cas?" Dean teases.

The angel lowers his eyes embarrassed.

"I can't help it." He admits quietly. "The thought of you with that brazen, tarnished sorry excuse for a wh-angel, makes me somewhat irate."

"Yeah, I get that Cas. Dean says smiling, "but you gotta know if I had any idea, any at all, it would hurt you, it would have never happened."

"Thank you Dean." Castiel says softly. "Even the thought of her, or anyone for that matter being with you, made me sick to my stomach." He says truthfully.

"Wow." Dean says astonished. "It's been a while for you huh?" Dean asks.

The angel looks confused as usual, but decides to take a stab at it anyways. "Feeling this way for you?"

Dean answers with a nod. "I mean that was almost when you first revealed yourself or whatever you did."

"It was." Castiel agreed sipping his beer.

"So, uh when did you know?" Dean asks earnestly if not embarrassedly.

"The first time I saw your soul." He says staring so intently the hunter feels like he could easily drowned in those pools of blue.

"It was bruised, battered, broken, and it still called to me. It still shone brighter than anything I have ever seen. That was the first time, but it was not the last. I find a new reason to fall in love with you ever single day."

"God Cas, I feel so damn unworthy." Dean says baring a part of his soul no one ever saw. "I don't deserve a happy ending, I don't deserve anything."

Cas turned towards his hunter anger beginning to bubble up.

"How can you say that Dean? You, who has sacrificed everything, your family, your friends, your own life in order to make the world a better place. Who won't give up no matter how dire the circumstances, because it's what's right? Who is more loyal than any being, human or angel I have ever known in all of my existence.

"But I'm none of that." Dean states getting a little pissed himself. "Cas I am selfish, greedy, and full of rage. Sure I help people, but that's all I have ever known. It's how I was raised. And that doesn't make me anything special. It just makes me a good soldier."

"And what am I then Dean?" The Castiel sputter enraged. "Are we not the same then. Both good little soldiers listening to whatever daddy says?"

"No Cas!" Dean all but yells "You made the choice to do right."

"And so do you Dean." Castiel says lowering his voice. "Eachtime you face a monster and win, and every time you said no to Zachariah."

"I almost said yes." Dean interrupts. "You know before I had some sense beat into me." Dean finishes sipping his beer.

"I have apologized for that. I know now it was wrong, and violence was not the answer." Castiel says abashedly.

"No Cas, you weren't." Dean assures him. "Hell sometimes violence is the ONLY answer with me." He says smirking.

The angel glances at his hunter chuckling into his beer.

"That is probably one of the most truthful satements I have ever heard you utter Dean."

"Oh yeah?" Dean responds, leaning over and whispering in Castiel's ear.

Emotions run across the angels face at a rapid pace. First comes confusion trying to grasp what Dean is saying, then shock at what his hunter is suggesting, followed by more confusion as he tries to determine if he is joking and finally unchecked lust.

"Now, Cas THAT is the most truthful thing I have ever uttered." Dean says his smile wide.

"I am not even sure if that is possible Dean." Cas says tilting his head attempting to picture the scenario his hunter had planted in his head.

"Oh yes it is angelboy. Trust me." Dean says encouragingly

"But whipped cream is for human consumption is it not?" He asks lost as usual.

"Hell yes it is." Dean says wickedly.

Castiel tilts his head even more if possible, and then a light of dawning creeps into his eyes as a blush creeps up his cheeks.

"I see." He says simply and Dean graciously lets it go.

"So." Dean says steering the conversation back to the beginning again. They were talking about where to spend what was probably their last night on earth.

"You don't want to do it in the Impala." Dean asks again to Castiel.

"No Dean." Cas says flatly. "Not only is the thought of it reprehensible, but it is also cramped." He says stating the obvious. Then the nervous neck rubbing begins.

"What? Hey Cas what is it?" Dean sputters. "you can't possibly still be embarrassed to tell me stuff man."

"I had actually made plans tonight." He says looking anywhere but in the hunters eyes.

"Oh well," Dean says looking crushed. "If you've got somewhere you need to be…" Dean says letting the sentence trail off.

It hits Castiel a few seconds later that Dean actually thinks he made plans without him. That he seems to think he's just going to leave him here by himself. Like there was another place on earth or in heaven he'd rather be on the seemingly last night of his life.

So with a very human sigh of frustration, he puts two fingers to Dean's forehead.

When Dean looks up they are in a hotel room, but nothing like the grungy places him and Sam are used to. This is a five star, hell he'd say it was six, but he's pretty sure there's no such thing.

The place is huge to begin with. And it's all gold's and browns. The bed is 4 times the size of what he's used to. It has stairs leading up to it and a frigging canopy. He's see Castiel sitting on the California King size bed, his head in his hands and he's panting like he's just run a marathon.

"Cas?" Dean says lifting his head up to look into those deep blue topaz eyes.

"Dude, where the hell did that come from? Human my happy ass Castiel." Dean says using the angel's full name to further prove how upset he was. He is worried that his angel really went and did something to hurt himself this time.

"I'm alright Dean; I just need to rest a minute." He says still holding his head like he has the mother of all hangover, and maybe that's exactly what it feels like, because the next thing the angel mumbles is, "And please don't shout Dean, your voice is pounding in my head."

Dean's anger seeps out of him slowly, he runs his hands through the angel's hair and whispers "Why'd you do it Cas?"

"I saved up the last of my grace for this." He begins quietly rambling. "I thought…I thought you should sleep in a comfortable bed for what could be your last night on earth." And there he goes rubbing his neck again.

"Oh." Dean says his anger completely deflated now. He lightly pushes on Castiel's shoulders getting him to lie down.

"Who said anything about sleeping Cas?" Dean says softly in his angel's ear.

He reaches over and picks up the phone.

"Yes room service? I'd like a bottle of your finest champagne and a plate of chocolate covered strawberries.

Dean looks confused as he listens to the voice on the other end of the phone. Then his eyes flick to Castiel's startlingly.

"Oh sure, you can just add it to Mr. Winchester's bill."

More silence.

"Absolutely. We'll settle up in the morning at checkout then. Thank you,"

He replaces the receiver and just stares at Cas waiting.

"What?" Cas asks looking perplexed.

"Well, Mr. Castiel Winchester." Cas blushes at his choice of alias. "The front desk just informed me that you paid in cash for this room." Dean said still waiting for an answer.

"I did." The angel said with a shrug, something Dean is pretty sure he picked up from Sam.

"You want to explain to me where you came up with all the cash to pay for all this?" Dean said spreading his arms and turning a slow circle.

"Hustling pool, like you taught me." Cas said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

The funny thing was Dean could see that happening. Over the last month Castiel had become one hell of a pool shark. Even though he was for shit at investigations, he could really fake being drunk and bad at pool. Better than even him and Sam. He could hustle twice as much as either of them on any given night.

"So you've been saving all your money for this?" Dean asks unbelievingly

"What else would I do with it?" Castiel inquires.

"I dunno Cas." Dean answers "Maybe get some new clothes?"

"On that, I am one step ahead of you." He says eyes sparking. "I'll be right back.

Dean is thinking he is going to just whoosh out of there, but he knows he doesn't have anything left; still it surprises the hunter when he simply gets up and walks into the bathroom.

Dean just shrugs and begins to explore his surroundings. The last time he'd been in a nice hotel, there had been a mob of angry Gods, and tomato soup that had been anything but.

And that place was a dump compared to wherever this place was.

He walked out the door to the balcony and his breath left him. He was surrounded on all sides by majestic mountains. As far as he could see.

Dean was still speechless when there was a knock at the door followed by a muffled "Room service"

"Room Service."

He took the cart that was rolled in that held two flutes of champagne along with the rest of the bottle and a silver tray of fat ripe chocolate dipped strawberries. He tipped the guy who had delivered it handsomely.

"please tell Mr. Winchester, if he needs anything else, do not hesitate to call."

Dean couldn't help the smile on his face as he said. "Sure buddy, but I am pretty sure uh, Mr. Winchester doesn't want to be disturbed for the rest of the evening."

The only give away it affected the stiff man in front of him was the slight raise of his eyebrows.

"I see sir." Was all the Concierge said before leaving but not before he put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door.

Dean grabbed one of the flutes and went back out to the balcony the sun was just beginning to set and still overwhelmed with the beauty he asks himself quietly "Cas where the hell have you taken us?"

"The Poconos." He said breathily in Dean's ear. "I noticed you have an affinity for the mountains."

Dean turned to answer him and stopped. His mouth dropped open like a cartoon character. There stood Cas, his Cas, still ramrod straight, still stoic, but he looked so…Hot.

The trench coat, tie and jacket had been exchanged for a simple, but well played grey suede shirt that Dean's hands just longed to touch. That was untucked over a pair of black slacks that put the "Holy tax accountants" to shame. These hugged his hips low and fit just right. And over his shirt he had that damn leather jacket with the angel wings on it. His hair which was usually windblown literally, was still messy, but it looked like he had just rolled out of bed. It was in a word: Sexy.

And his eyes, the shirt made them stand out even more, to pop if you will. His eyes had never looked that blue. Never.

Dean stood speechless for almost a minute before Cas chuckled and asked "I take it I did well?"

"Hell yes." Was all Dean could manage before pulling his angel in for a slow kiss. He tongue begged for entrance into Castiel's mouth and he was only too happy to comply.

Their tongues danced and their hands roamed each other's bodies.

Dean couldn't believe Cas had planned all this. The hotel room, saving his grace, the clothes. If this was how he was going to treat him for his last night on earth Dean was all for having an apocalypse once a month, at least.

When Anna had given Dean the "Last night on Earth" speech, she had been after one thing and one thing only. And when Dean had tried to give Jo the same one, it was for purely selfish reasons.

Cas did this all for him however. Dean knew that if he decided just to lie down and sleep until dawn, Castiel would just be content to lay by his side and hold him.

Cas, his angel, who was always so worried about Dean, always so caring. So selfless. He made Dean feel things he had forgotten. He gave Dean a reason to be a better man, and Dean loved him for it.

He loved him for it…

He loved him.

He. Loved. Cas.

The joy that burst forth from the hunter at that realization was tangible. He smiled into the kiss now, his heart so full it felt like it was going to explode.

Castiel felt the change immediately and asked him worriedly "Dean is something wrong?"

"What? No Cas, everything is just perfect. You did an amazing job with all this."

The angel swelled with pride at the hunters compliment.

Dean looks over Castiel's shoulder, and notices there is a freaking bed on the balcony complete with white netting. He begins to kiss Cas again all the while walking him backwards. When the angel's knees hit the bed and he falls down with a gasp of surprise Dean just smirks.

"We have got to get five star penthouses more often." Dean says laughing and kissing Cas again.

Castiel tries to push Dean's jacket off his shoulders, and the hunter pulls back not allowing him to. Dean doesn't want to rush this. They have all night, and Dean wants to give the angel everything he can.

He sets himself down on Castiel's lap straddling him and deepens the kiss. Cas lets out a moan as Dean rocks his hips splaying his hands through his angel's hair. Dean cups his face in his hands, and kisses him softly, reverently. Then he slowly begins to unbutton Cas; shirt.

Castiel beings to writhe at the agonizing pace his hunter is taking. A kiss, then he unbuttons a button. Another slow kiss, as he trails his hands down to capture the next button. He undoes that one, then another slow kiss.

It's so tender and unlike anything he and Dean have ever shared. Cas finds himself trembling with emotion. And when he pulls back to look into Deans eyes, he's realizes his hunter is shaking too. Dean pushes his shirt down, and Castiel sees something in Dean's eyes he's never seen before.

Dean smiles a little, and pulls Cas back up off the bed, he rains kisses all over his face, neck, chest, and it doesn't even feel like foreplay. More like a form of worship to Castiel.

Dean is now on his knees in front of the angel and he unclasps his belt, all the while looking at him with those penetrating hazel eyes.

Castiel is still trying to place the new light he sees in his lovers eyes, but that is cut short as Dean takes him in his mouth slowly. Still looking at him every few seconds, when he pulls out to lick the tip.

"Dean." Is all Castiel can say.

"Cas." Is all Dean replies, his eyes finally fluttering shut.

Castiel pulls Dean up stepping out of his pants and black silk boxers that were pooled at his feet.

He once again tries to push Dean's jacket off his shoulders, but the hunter grabs his angel's hands gently and pushes him back on the bed.

"Allow me." Dean says shrugging his shoulders once in a practiced move that has his jacket falling to the floor. He repeats the process with his olive green button down. Castiel licks his lips in need.

The hunter grabs the back of his shirt with both hands and tugs it over his head, and drops it to the floor.

Castiel wants nothing more than to get up and finish the job himself. To make work of

Deans remaining clothes, but something in his hunter's eyes makes him hesitate.

Dean's eyes shoot straight to Castiel's soul, as the hunter unbuttons his pants and follows with the zipper.

Dean pushes his pants down along with his underwire, and steps slowly out of them. Castiel stands up and walks over to his hunter slowly. Dean kisses Cas almost chastely on the lips and grabs the angel's left hand and brings it to the scar on his shoulder.

Dean looks down at Castiel's hand that fits perfectly and looks up at Cas.

The angel is taken back with the unguarded raw emotion he sees blazing in his hunter's eyes.

There's lust of course, but there's also a tenderness, that hasn't been there before, or more likely it's been there, but Dean never let himself feel it. And there's something else as well…

Love.

Realization sparks in the angel's eyes and he gasps into Dean's mouth with the new knowledge.

Dean is aware now that Castiel has seen the love he has for him in his eyes, but he knows that seeing isn't enough for the angel. Without a thought Dean pulls back and rests his head on Castiel's.

"God Cas, I love you." He says kissing him again.

"Say it again Dean." The angel demands softly.

Dean continues to kiss him.

Castiel pulls back and pleads "Please Dean?"

Dean pulls away his hands on either of Cas' shoulders.

"I. Love. You. Cas." The hunter says punctuating each word with a kiss.

"And I, you Dean." Castiel says kissing Dean with more fervor than before.

The hunter breaks the kiss once again, and pulls his angel back to the bed by his hands.

"Come on Cas." Dean says smiling. The angel smiles back and let's himself be lead.

They lay on their sides kissing and touching for hours.

They wake up as the sunlight begins to hit the balcony and their bodies. Dean's arms are wrapped tight around his angel's waist. Cas turns lazily to look at Dean.

"Did you sleep?" Dean asks unbelievingly

"well, you wore me out; Sleep at that point seemed like the best way to remedy the problem." Castel says slyly.

Dean just kisses him and chuckles.

"Say it again Dean." Cas says somewhat jokingly, but also a little scared he made the whole thing up.

"Wow, insecure much Cas?" Dean asks teasingly. Cas just stares at him waiting.

Dean huffs. "I love you Cas." Dean says softly. "But don't get used to me saying it all the time. I'm not going all chick flick just because I do." Dean says gruffly.

"Of course not Dean." Castiel says nodding his acceptance.

Of course both of them know that if Cas asks Dean will tell him every single time.

**Okies so there it is! This was a long one for me. We are wrapping things up now, soon we will deal with the assbutt who is messing with Dean. Maybe he can finally get back to a normal life after all this. Anywho reviews are the pudding in my crazy house so keep em coming!**


	10. Walk Away

**Okay so this was the hardest chapter to write, mainly because I couldn't stop crying. My notes are smeared to hell. This is not a happy chapter. And I would say I am sorry for it, but it's got to be done so enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own broken Dean. And I am glad. I have NO idea how I would fix him. And I don't own new and improved Cas. If I did I would probably stick a boot in his angelic ass!**

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Dean was dying. He knew it, and he was okay with it. Hell, he was welcoming it with open arms at this point.

What the fuck was there to live for?

Sam was gone, probably eviscerated by Lucifer the dick.

Adam was gone, probably obliterated by Michael the prick.

Bobby was dean after pulling out the Colt, and trying to cap the devil's ass. Then in a rage Satan conveniently broke his neck.

And Cas. Dean's heart plummeted yet again. His angel was nothing more than a smear on the grass. He went out fighting, which is how he would have wanted it. Appearing out of nowhere, calling his older brother an "Ass-butt" and lobbing inflamed holy oil at him may have not been the best course of action, but it sure as hell had pizazz.

Until Lucifer turned to him and growled "Castiel, did you just Molotov my brother with holy fire?"

And with a snap of that hand he knew as well as his own, Castiel angel of the Lord was no more.

There was no one now. Just him, and Lucifer poised over him ready to deliver the final blow that would send Dean into oblivion.

He hoped, okay and yes maybe even prayed that sacrificing his little brother for the greater good would get him some kind of bonus points with God wherever the hell he might be. That maybe Dean could go to heaven. Maybe he and Cas could be together. Not even in the romantic capacity. Even just as friends. That would be fine, as long as they could be together.

Dean was just honestly ready for it to be over, so he closed his eyes and waited for the end.

And it never came.

Somehow Sammy got a hold of Satan and pushed him back.

Then he threw the horseman's rings into the ground quickly followed by himself and Michael.

The last thing Sam said to him was "It gonna be okay Dean."

And Dean figured he was going to bleed to death internally and then it would be. He could finally rest.

His left set of ribs was punctured into his lung, from where Lucifer had tossed him onto the windshield of the Impala. He was beginning to slip in and out of consciousness, and he was pretty sure he was something in his head was ruptured.

He still managed to crawl to where the pit had been. Somehow he was on his knees and he had by some miracle picked up the rings, and waited for the rest of his life to drain out of him.

That never happened either.

Instead there stood Cas, in all of his unexploded glory. He was whole and alive, and although Dean couldn't smile, his heart was a little lighter.

Through all his agony and pain Dean managed to form words.

"Cas….You're alive?" And he thought bitterly it didn't matter. He had one foot in the grave at this point, and what a cruel joke to bring his angel back only for him to go and die.

"I'm better that that." He answered. And Dean knew he was, even before he completely healed him. He could see it in Cas' eyes. He was changed.

Cas…Are you God?" And Dean hopes he is. That maybe he can bring Sam back, even though that would mean for the last month he had been banging the creator of all, which has to come with perks right?

That's a nice compliment, but no. Although I do believe he brought me back. New and improved."

And just like that Dean's hope is dashed to the ground into a thousand little pieces at his feet. There is no way to bring Sam back.

He sees Cas nod at a completely restored Bobby before walking back to Dean and placing two fingers against his forehead.

When Dean is absolutely certain he is not going to upchuck on his angel of the Lord, he looks to see they are in the hotel room in the Poconos. The first words out of Deans mouth are "Cas? Can you bring Sammy back?"

Castiel wishes he could. Wishes he could put the light back in the hunter's eyes and give him his little brother. He wishes he didn't have to pile any more pain on him. But as Dean had taught him, you could wish in one hand….

"Dean." Castiel says putting a hand on his shoulder. Dean turns into it and buries his head in his collar.

"Cas, Cas I just, I have never hurt this much ever."

And Dean isn't just letting some rouge tear escape as usual. Dean is sobbing, and the sobs that wrack his body seem almost painful.

He falls to his knees and clutches Castiel's waist.

Castiel's stern demeanor breaks. Dean needs to be comforted. In his mind it is that simple.

"Dean, Dean, Dean." He murmurs softly running his hands lovingly through his hair.

"It's beyond my power to retrieve Sam from the cage that was forged, but please know if I could I would give anything for it to be so."

The affirmation makes Dean shake even harder with tears.

"I didn't know it would be like this Cas. God, if I knew, I would have strapped his ass to a chair, and never let him follow through.

Castiel knew Dean was lying. He knew that given the same chance he would do the exact same thing every time, because it saved the world. Dean was too much the righteous man he raised from the bowels of hell to do anything else. No matter how much he ached in the end.

"It's okay Dean." The angel says stroking his face gently. Pulling Dean up to face him, Castiel lies convincingly for the first time in his existence.

"It WILL get better Dean. I'm here. I'm here for you."

The angel pulls the hunter to his feet and embraces him in a fierce hug, letting Dean cry.

And it dawns on Dean, that at least he has Cas. His angel is still here with him, and maybe, just maybe that will be enough.

He pulls back and shakily kisses Cas slowly pouring all his grief into the kiss.

Castiel thinks he might break from the sadness he feels behind the hunter's lips. He allows him this kiss, because he knows it will help, but when Dean tries to deepen the kiss, the angel pulls back.

"Dean, you are stricken with grief, and haven't slept in days. I think you need to lie down."

Dean smiles at his angel. It's broken, and light doesn't quite reach his eyes, but he looks like the hunter Castiel knows and loves when he says with a smirk.

"I think I know what I need better than you feathers." He grabs Cas by the belt loops in his dress slacks.

"And right now Cas I need you to help me forget; Even if it's just for a few minutes, please."

Castiel knows this will not end well. Dean is still in shock, and he begins to voice this, but is cut off by a broken plea.

"Please Cas?" The hunter begs looking into the angels deep blue depths.

And Castiel cannot say no.

He kisses Dean his hands shaking as he breathes a sigh into Deans mouth. Dean kisses Cas' back a broken sound escaping his throat.

Castiel wants to comfort him, tell him it's going to be okay, but the words won't come. So he pours all of his feelings into his kiss, the love, the sorrow, the shame, all of it into that one kiss.

Clothes are discarded quickly with no fanfare. They just want to be closer to each other as soon as possible. They lay and kiss and Castiel kisses tears from Deans cheeks more than once.

When Dean slips into Cas and looks in his eyes, he sees something different, but he doesn't register in his grief what it could mean. As Dean begins to slide in and out of his angel at a steady pace, Castiel leans into Deans ear to whisper.

"I will always love you Dean Winchester. Through all of this please remember that." Dean doesn't register the pain and anguish in the angels voice.

"I love you to Cas." Dean says freely amazed at how easily it comes to his lips now. "You don't know what it means to me that you're alive."

Dean kisses his eyelids that have fluttered shut. He misses the lone tear that slides down Castiel's cheek. Maybe he thinks it's one of his own.

"And that you're here Cas." He says brushing kisses on his cheeks. "Maybe with you here, I can get through this."

"Dean." Castiel says brokenly as Dean releases deep into him. Dean marks it for a cry of pleasure.

Dean reaches in between them, and grips his angel tight and begins to pump.

"Dean." Castiel says "That is not necessary." Dean doesn't hear the guilt behind the statement.

"Like hell it's not." Dean growls. "After everything you've done for me Cas, this is just a small token of my gratitude."

The angel continues to protest.

"Because I owe you so much more than this Cas." The hunter pumps harder and his angel moans.

Dean leans down eyes still wet with his own tears, his lips a breath away from Castiel's and admits.

"I owe you everything."

That does it for Castiel. He quietly sobs into Dean's mouth as he slips over the edge.

Dean thinks he is overwhelmed with emotion from his confession.

As they lay quietly in the aftermath of their lovemaking, Dean lays his head on his angel's chest. It's something he has never done, in fact the post coital cuddling, as Cas used to refer to it until Dean had said he could just call it cuddling (But not in public) was usually the other way around. But as Dean lay there listening to the steady heartbeat of his angel, he thought he could probably get used to this.

"I could go for a shower right now, how about you Cas?" Dean asked stretching. He still hurt more than he could say, but it wasn't as sharp now, he had Cas to thank for that.

Dean intended to thank him for that, and everything else pretty much for the rest of his life.

Castiel got out of the bed and with a thought he was back in his "Holy tax accountant" ensemble.

"I do not require a shower anymore Dean." He stated flatly. He needed a minute to himself to collect his thoughts. This entire scenario was going completely the opposite of what he intended."

"Okay then, more room for me." He grinned slightly as he shut the door.

Dean climbed in the shower and let the water pound over his back and shoulders, he smiled. It was a sad bittersweet smile, and a pang of pain came with it that almost knocked him to his knees, but also with it came the tiniest sliver of hope.

A hope, because now he wasn't alone. A hope that with Cas by his side he could pull himself up from this dark place.

He and Cas had been through so damn much together. It was about time they got their happy ending. It was monumental, that they were both standing here, alive.

He never prayed. Well, okay he never prayed to God. He had prayed to Cas more times than he can count, but this was different.

Dean Winchester stood letting the water rain down on him and thanked God for giving Cas back.

"I dunno if you approve or not. Dean said looking to the ceiling. "but thank you for this. It makes the rest of it not so hard."

Castiel sat on the edge of the motel bed in stunned silence. He heard every prayer Dean had ever uttered. The sincere ones when he was at his wits end, the ones he used to contact him. And even the ones bordering on blasphemy when he was too mad to care.

This however was something completely different. Dean was thankful. Dean was thanking God that he gave Castiel back to him. He thought that his angel was his prize for enduring all he had.

It should be so. Castiel thought. Of all of my Father's creations this man deserves peace at last. More than anyone. And I am the one to rip it away. Tears slid unchecked down the angel's face.

"If this is what it means to have free will, and to make my own choices, I'd rather be an emotionless dick." Castiel says to the heavens. He was given no reply.

Dean opened the bathroom door, steam spilling out into the room from behind him. He walked out naked, toweling his hair dry.

He rummaged in his duffle bag, pulling out an olive green shirt and his favorite jeans. He zipped them up and threw the shirt over his head and began searching for socks. While tossing things aside he began to ramble to Cas.

"So Sammy told me to go to Lisa's, but to hell with that noise." He stated, triumphantly pulling a sock out.

"Dean." Castiel said quietly. Too quietly apparently for Dean to hear.

"I say we pick a direction and just drive for a while, maybe take a vacation."\

"Dean." Castiel says louder now.

"Or not." Dean says, finding the socks mate finally.

"I'm not picky. You wanna start hunting right away? I'm down with that too."

"Dean." Castiel said more sternly. Still the hunter continued as if he heard nothing.

"If you don't like that idea we could always go back to Bobby's we-"

"Dean I am not going with you." Castiel blurted frustrated

"Oh. You need to shoot on back to heaven first?" Dean asked a little confused.

Castiel sighed. "I will not be "shooting" anywhere Dean."

Castiel stood from where he was seated and waked to Dean.

"I was given a choice, to stay dead and rest in the fields of my Father, or to be resurrected and reestablish heaven.

Castiel saw and felt the walls shut down on Dean's soul. With one sentence he had effectively erased everything they had. He knew it. He knew it was better this way.

Dean stood up glaring at the angel.

"You're telling me you brought me back here for one last fuck, and now you're gonna flit off into the sunset?"

Castiel steeled himself, knowing it will be better if he can just get Dean to hate him. It will be easier for Dean that way.

So he simply turns his back and walks away. He shrugs indifferently. "You seemed to need it, and it's not like I'd turn down your body."

Dean stomps across the room turning him like he had when he was convincing him heaven was wrong so long ago. He gets right in Castiel's face.

"I don't believe it!" Dean screams "They are MAKING you do this Cas."

Castiel's gaze was cold, calculating.

"My name is Castiel. And please Dean, personal space." He let all the emotion drain out of his voice.

Dean would have laughed at the role reversal if he wasn't so taken back by the change he saw. It was like meeting him for the first time all over again. When he was all angel, so sure and absolute.

"My apologies." Dean sneered, the phrase dripping with sarcasm. "So this is it then?" Dean growled "You DECIDED to be this robotic douche bag again?"

The anger rolling off of Dean was so thick it could be cut with a knife. The dark side of Dean was laughing maniacally screaming "I told you so! I told you he would leave!"

"It did not seem like there was anything to decide. Castiel said flatly.

Something broke in Dean. Castiel watches as the anger seeps out him and all that's left is a hopelessness that the angel can't bear.

"Cas, please. I can't do this alone. I need you. You're all I have left. If you go, I don't think I'll make it through this."

Sadness flooded into the angel's eyes with a weary sigh he raised his hands in a helpless gesture.

"What would you have me do Dean?"

"Stay with me. I know I don't compare to heaven Cas, hell I am the farthest thing from it. But you love me. I know it. So stay with me. Please." The last word was so desperate, Castiel almost acquiesced. But things were fast going downhill in heaven, and that was his family. If he could do something to right it he should. Dean had taught him that.

"I am afraid it's too late for that Dean." Castiel said truthfully.

"Dammit Cas you told me you would never leave me. Or was all that conditional? You never expected them to take you back did you? So what I was just your second choice?"

Castiel looked at Dean anger brimming in his eyes.

"Try to understand Dean; I have a chance to save MY family. You would do the same."

"Oh yeah, cuz they've been so great in the past." Dean growled. They had abandoned him and tried to kill him. Dean hated every one of them for it.

"Do not say things like that Dean." Castiel commanded.

"Why the hell not Castiel?" He said the angel's name as sarcastically as he could manage. "It's not like it's not true."

Castiel paled visibly. It was the first time in a year he could remember Dean calling him by his full name when they weren't in the throes of passion. IT made him irate.

"And your family is SO much better?" the angel yelled back.

"Your father was a drunken, shell of a man who drug you and your younger brother into danger at every turn, for nothing more than petty rage.

Your brother was such a monster doing things of such evil he would give you a run for your money with your time in hell. In the end before YOU saved him he would have killed you without a thought. Him diving into that hole cannot begin to atone for his sins, and YOU speak of MY family with such disdain."

Dean looked like Castiel had physically slapped him, and staggered back with the weight of his words. There was murder in his eyes when he met the angel's again.

"You stupid heartless son of a bitch." Dean spat shoving Castiel back into the wall.

"Go ahead Dean." Castiel sneered as Dean raised his hand to drive it into the angel's jaw. "I'll even pretend it hurts."

Dean's hand dropped to his side, and instead of hitting him he kissed him, putting all of his passion, and rage behind it.

At first Castiel stood his ground stone still not moving as Dean assaulted his mouth. Dean was trying to prove that he could still feel this, could still want this.

He reached in between them and pressed his hand against Castiel.

"You can feel that can't you Cas? Huh? Tell me you can't FEEL that." Dean says grinding his hand into him.

Castiel still doesn't move, but his resolve is crumbling. "Dean, please stop." He says, but Dean hears his voice crack.

"No! Not until you admit it you stubborn ass!" Dean pants biting into his neck.

Castiel's restraint snaps and he flips their positions slamming Dean into the wall hard enough to rattle his teeth.

"I can feel it Dean." He growls and kisses the hunter violently. "But." He sighs "That changes nothing." He says pulling away.

"I thought I could make you hate me, it would be easier if I could." He says between pants trying to regain control of himself.

"I don't want you to hate me Dean." Castiel whispers.

Dean sighs pushing off the wall. "So all that stoic angel crap was an act? You still have all your emotions."

"I do yes." He admits. "I just thought if you hated me it would be an easier separation. You probably do already, but I would like to leave amicably." His eyes pierce the hunters.

"No see that's the problem Cas, when I opened myself to you because you SAID you would stay with me that was it. I can't hate you, not right now, but if you leave now I SWEAR to you this is over. Don't come back and try to tell me you were wrong. There won't be a second chance for us." Dean threatens softly.

"I understand." Is all the answer the angel gives. He is crushed, but he feels it's his duty to fix what is broken. That is what he assumes God brought him back to do. He wants to tell Dean this, but his resolve is already wavering.

"I gotta get outta here." Dean says grabbing his jacket and his keys. "You coming?" He asks the angel over his shoulder.

"I didn't think you would want me to." Castiel states sadly.

"Yeah, well you said amicably. I'm taking a stab at it." The hunter says smirking.

Castiel's heart flutters at that admission. He wants to tell Dean that he loves him, that he always will, but he knows that time is past. It will only hurt Dean more, so all he says is "If that's what you want."

The rain had let up, but drops still sparkled like stars in the moonlight. Dean and Castiel drove in silence, boths inner turmoil dominating their thoughts to the point of forgetting to speak.

Dean cannot believe this is happening. He has lost everything now. He is lost and scared and has no idea what he's going to do next. He's angry and hurt, but more angry and the man-no angel sitting next to him. He considers Castiel's leaving the ultimate betrayal. He says he doesn't hate Cas- no Castiel now, but he's pretty sure that he will eventually when the anger forming deep in his chest has time to fester. He really just wants to curl up in a ball and scream and cry until he can't anymore, but he needs to be strong. He's going to show this feathery son of a bitch he's not that affected by his leaving. So he's going to be God Dammed amicable, even if it kills him.

"What are you going to do now?" Dean asks although he already knows the answer.

"Return to heaven I suppose." Castiel knows Dean is giving him one last out. One last chance to stay, and now it's slipped by. When he looks at Dean, the hunter's eyes are hard.

"Heaven?" He says again making sure he is being understood perfectly, that this is the end of the line for him and Cas. His heart hardens with the angel's reply.

"With Michael in the cage, I'm sure its total anarchy up there." Castiel says making his decision final. His heart breaks a little more.

"So what you're gonna be the new sheriff in town?" Dean says snidely hiding behind his sarcasm.

"I like that. Yeah, I suppose I am." Castiel says joking back with a small smirk trying to ease the pain in his soul.

Dean has tried to be friendly, amicable as Castiel has asked, but when he smirks like nothing is wrong Dean's control slips.

"Wow. God gives you a brand-new shiny set of wings, and suddenly you're his bitch again."

Castiel is so frustrated he could scream himself hoarse with it.

"I don't know what God wants. I don't know if he'll even return. It just…Seems like the right thing to do."

And he knows it's the truth. Family is family after all. Dean had taught him that. His brothers may be dicks, but they are still his brothers.

Anger flashes in Dean's eyes. When does he get to rest? When does he get what he wants? You think that after everything he has been through God could grant him this small thing, but no dice. His life sucks as usual.

"Well if you do see him, you tell him I'm coming for him next."

Dean might as well have stabbed him in the chest for the sheer shock that statement had caused.

"You're angry." He states softly. Dean grimaces as the angel's eyes bore into him.

"That's an understatement." He says tightly gripping the steering wheel.

"He helped." Dean rolled his eyes at the angel. "Maybe more than we realized." Castiel continues.

Dean gives up on amicable at that point.

"That's easy for you to say! He brought YOU back!" (Just so he can take you away again.) "But what about Sam?" (He's never coming back) "What about me huh?" (I get nothing, no one.) "Where's my grand prize?" (It was supposed to be you dammit Cas!) "All I got was my brother in a hole."

Castiel's patience is at its end. As if he hasn't lost anything throughout all of this. Yes, Dean's brother is in a hole, along with TWO of his. He knows EXACTLY how Dean feels.

"You got what you asked for Dean." Castiel states softly. "No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same."

_I am so, so very sorry Dean._ Castiel thinks looking at him one last time he asks.

"I mean it Dean; would you rather have peace of freedom?"

And with that he is gone.

"Wow. You really suck at goodbyes you know that?"

And he just continues to drive. And because Dean doesn't know how to survive without someone needing him, he goes to Lisa's like Sam told him. As he makes his way back to Lisa's tears stream down his face. He has lost so much. He mourns both his brothers. Sam because he is part of Dean, and Adam because he never got the chance to know him. He mourns for Ellen and Jo, who gave their life for the greater good not that it helped. Most of all though he mourned Cas the fallen angel, love of his life. Because the being that sat in the car with him a few moments ago wasn't Cas. It was Castiel, angel of the Lord. A good little soldier who knew how to follow orders. His Cas died when the devil destroyed him. So he mourned him, because from that moment on Cas was dead to him.

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**Holy Misha that was LONG! I am sorry if it was sad guys. If you want you can bitch me out in a review. I don't think I'd blame you…**


	11. Back to December

**Okay guys we are in the final stretch. Who has been mucking with Dean? Will Cas and him be able to mend their relationship? Read on for these answers and more!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own apathetic Dean nor do I own apologetic Cas.**

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Dean is so upset by his memory he begins to shake uncontrollably. Dammit this exactly what he didn't need right now. He pushes himself off the couch and destroys his small attempt at sobriety in less than two minutes. Once the last traces of whiskey whirl out of the bottle and down his throat he downs half of the other bottle he found under the couch. He's wobbly now, and a little more numb. Just how he wants it. Actually how he really wants it is so drunk he doesn't know his own name and definitely not the name of that damn angel.

That. Damn. Angel.

Something clicks in Dean. The voice, the jeans, the feather, all the memories. He said it had to be an archangel, but what if it was something more powerful than an archangel. What if it was oh say the leader of heaven himself trying to get his attention?

His anger spikes so high that he literally sees red.

"Castiel you bastard!" He screams. "Get your pathetic ass down here now!" He is yelling so loud he wonders if the neighbors can hear him. Dean hates being duped and tested and this has felt like both. Like some cruel trick. Whatever the intentions were behind this didn't matter. It made him hurt and feel things he had almost (well not really) successfully stamped down.

When there was no answer he yelled some more after all if at first you don't succeed and all that…

"Cas! I am not fucking around here! If you're not down here in the next three minutes I am gonna do something drastic!" Dean slurred loudly. He took another pull from the bottle of whisky. If he was gonna face this asshat, by god he was gonna do it on his terms. Which were apparently three sheets to the wind.

"Oh you can dick with someone until they think they're nuts, but then you won't face them when they figure it out? YOU FUCKING COWARD!"

Dean is thinking now that maybe it really just is Castiel's idea of a cosmic joke, but he'll be dammed if he's gonna let that sad ass excuse for a friend (Lover) just pull this crap and not even take responsibility for it.

He stalks over to the utility cabinet once more and yanks the drawer open. He pulls out one of his old pocket knives and opens it.

"Alright then you righteous prick" Dean yells his voice shaking a little "I told you something drastic. If you think I am gonna let this slide you are out of your feathery mind!"

Dean lines the knife up with the biggest vein in his left arm and prepares to drag the blade across it. He satisfied when he hears the rustle of wings behind him. But he only can hold on to his satisfaction for a moment before a steel band grips his wrist and expertly flips him around. The blade flies out of his hand hitting the wall across the room. The hunter is pushed back into the wall, and it reminds him of a time when Cas saved him in the green room the look in his eyes that day glittered with the question "Do you trust me?" Now the angel's eyes glittered with something very different. They glittered with rage.

The look in Dean's eyes was no less intense. There was a gulf as wide as a canyon between the two now and there was no love spared in either of the men's glares.

"What do you think you will accomplish by this foolishness Dean?" Castiel all but growled angrily.

"Well, actually it looks as though it accomplished exactly what I had in mind." Dean said haughtily.

"Very well you have me here. What do you want?" the angel asked hotly.

"Well, you could start off with an explanation. Maybe try to convince me why I shouldn't find a way to kick your ass." Dean said lowly.

"I will admit I was trying to get your attention." Castiel said softly.

"Yeah?" Dean asked "Why don't you try a phone call Cas-tiel." Dean stuttered almost using the angel's old nick name.

_Cut it out Winchester. There will be absolutely NO pining for days gone by. _The hunter chastised himself.

"It's not like I have a cell phone in heaven Dean." The angel said shrugging looking to much like his old self.

"So what's the deal huh Castiel?" Dean asked turning away from him. "The world ending again? Cuz I served my time with you dickless wonders. You can just find someone else."

"Dean, I'm not here to enlist your help," "I-" He sighed heavily. "I suppose this is what you would term a social visit."

"So you're telling me, that after half a frigging year you all of a sudden decided that you wanted to just drop in, and in order to get my attention you thought you'd I dunno drive me insane?" Dean asked incredulously.

"That was not my plan, but it does seem to have affectively gotten your attention."

Dean almost smiles at this…Almost.

"So what was it getting lonely on your sanctimonious high cloud up there?" Dean quipped snidely turning back towards the angel.

Castiel threw his hands in the air in frustration and yelled "I was worried for you."

"Well, there's a change." Dean leaned back on the now tarp covered Impala the alcohol swimming in his bloodstream.

Castiel pushes off the wall and walks up to Dean.

"How can I not be worried about you?" The angel asks gesturing to the hunter. "You are on a downward spiral that is quickly raging out of control."

"Yeah well you have yourself to thank for that." Dean spits out

The angel visibly winces. Castiel reaches his hand out to place on Dean's shoulder. That familiar place where skin met scar that seemed to have always brought the eldest Winchester peace in the past.

Dean pushes off his car to fend off the onslaught of emotions he felt when he saw the angel reach to comfort him.

"So help me Castiel if you so much as think about touching me, I will kick your ass all the way back to heaven and make a few side trips on the way just to get my point across. Are we clear?"

The angel had stopped his reach with that admission and defeated drops his hand to his side. His answer was almost too quiet to hear.

"Crystal. My apologies."

"So." Dean says trying to calm his anger back down so he could function. "What's the real reason you are here Castiel?" The angel cringes at the use of his full name. It had never sounded right to him when Dean called him that. Unless he was moaning it in his ear. The cringe turns into a shudder.

"I can't really believe you just dropped in for Miller Time." Dean finishes curtly.

"I-"The angel rubs that back of his neck the only sign of him being uncomfortable.

"I, I missed you, and I was thinking of you-"

He was cut off by Dean scoffing.

Anger flares in Castiel in a way it hadn't in, well six months. Forgetting the whole personal space rule he steps up to Dean so close the hunter could feel the angry pant of his breath.

"Tell me Dean, when have I EVER given you reason to doubt me?" Blue eyes sparked with unchecked rage.

Dean's eyes met his and though there was a righteous anger lighting them it was slightly dulled by the hurt behind them.

"How about when YOU left me, and I needed you more than anything." He says calmly. "Ring a bell?"

Castiel's fury hit him like a whip across his spine. He knew pain; he knew pain maybe better than Dean by now. The angel slams Dean into the Impala. The hunter flinches, but still angrily shrugs the offending hands off of him.

"What the fuck Castiel. I told you NOT to touch me."

But the angel wouldn't back down.

"Believe me Dean, I have no desire to touch you, but you will not stand still. Besides there is no need for meaningless threats." The last line set Dean off like a ticking time bomb.

"Meaningless threats?" He repeats crazed. "You son of a bitch." Dean says and begins to stride forward.

Castiel pushes him back again. Dean's back hits the car with a thud. Also he notices that the damn angel of the lord had sobered him up.

"You think I am lying, that I do not think about you at all. That all I care about is the war in heaven." He states irately.

"Why would I waste my time trying to get your attention Dean, with those memories of, all the ones you have. The memories of us are the ones I chose. Why would I do that if I didn't think about you all the time?"

The angel had begun to unbutton his shirt. Something in Dean screamed that he shouldn't be watching so mesmerized by the fingers working the buttons from the holes, but he promptly told it to shut the hell up. He was fascinated.

His fascination rapidly turns to horror as Castiel parts his shirt. There were scars, what looked like could be hundreds of them. Some so old that they were just small lumps other looking all too new. One that was still seeping blood.

Dean was speechless he had no idea what to say so he stuck with what he was good at.

"Holy shit dude, you get in a fight with a really pissed off nail gun?"

There was a crinkle at the corner of the angel's eyes that almost denoted that he was amused

"A good guess Dean." He says rolling his eyes "But no. It is a smaller version of an archangel's weapon. When it pierces ones grace the pain is excruciating."

Dean's eyes were blown wide at that with shock.

"Wait-What?" He stammers. "You're saying your buddies did this to you?"

"Yes Dean." Castiel agrees.

Dean couldn't believe it. He wasn't stupid, he didn't think that Cas (tiel dammit) was going to be welcomed back into heaven with open arms, but he thought since the big guy brought him back to settle things down he would have some kind of immunity to the punishment.

"But aren't you the head honcho up there?" Dean asks his voiced laced with confusion.

Castiel sighs, "I am yes, but there are laws older than any of us that must be adhered to.

"So, then this was some kind of punishment?" Dean growls amazed he could still be this upset about someone hurting this angel.

The only response he got from Castiel was a nod.

"Well what the hell for?" Dean roars indignantly. "For rebelling? For fucking me? For what Cas?"

Castiel's heart swells at the sound of Dean's anger at him being hurt, also he called him Cas. And for the first time it feels like maybe he can fix the mess he's made of this.

"For putting something above the love of our Father in my heart."

Dean can only stare at the wounds one on top of another and the implication of every lesion on his chest.

"Every one of these scars I carry was inflicted because I was thinking of you Dean."

_How am I even supposed to respond to that?_ The hunter asks himself skeptically. He still feels so betrayed by the angel when he deserted him for higher ground.

"You left me man. You told me I got exactly what I asked for, more of the same…And freedom."

Dean looks deep into those cerulean eyes and sees himself reflected there.

"As it turns out, freedom is nothing but missing you." The statement hits the hunter straight in the chest. He feels his resolve begin to slowly crumble.

"Dean, even with all of the power of heaven behind me, I can't change what I've done. If I could I would have done it long ago." Cas confesses softly. "But leaving you after losing both Sam and Adam is the only thing in a millennia I truly regret. I was wrong to leave you. This is me swallowing my pride telling you I was wrong, and you were right. You needed me, more than heaven needed me then, and I left you anyways. "

"Why Cas?" Dean chokes out. "Huh? Why in the hell would you do that when you KNEW it would destroy me?"

The hunter furiously wipes a tear away from his cheek; oh he was so not gonna bawl in front of Cas.

"There were many reasons for me leaving Dean. I felt I needed to be there for my family, you told me that family was the most important thing in the world to you. And they did need me in heaven. "

Dean gets the feeling that the angel is stalling, like there's something he needs to say, but doesn't really want to.

"And?" Dean prompts. If Cas thinks he's going to let this be easy on him boy does he have another thing coming.

"And…." Castiel drags the word out, and huffs. "I was afraid."

Well that's not what Dean was expecting at all. His defense mechanism kicks in once again.

"Yeah buddy, that's rich." He says rocking back on his heels with a smirk.

"I am not joking with you Dean." The angel admonishes him. "I was more powerful than I had ever been, more powerful than any angel in existence. I was changed enough you questioned if I was My Father. And you had never made it any secret that you harbored a grudge against the more powerful agents of heaven. Mainly the archangels."

"Because they're all dicks!" Dean shouts. "All powerful holier than thou-"The hunter stops in mid-sentence realizing what he was saying. There's a small smile playing on Castiel's lips. His eyes sad.

"Oh." Dean said coming to the same conclusion. "Well, then touché, but instead of telling me how you felt, you just tucked tail and ran."

"Yes." Cas says defeated. "You are right. I am a coward."

"Not to mention selfish." Dean states rudely

"What I-"the angel sputters.

"Oh come on Cas!" Dean snarls. "YOU were scared, YOU were worried. Did you stop for one second and think about how I would feel? How torn and broken it would leave me?" Dean was pulsating with anger once again.

"Dammit Dean yes!" Castiel shot back. Dean was at a loss for words. The angel had never sworn at him. "I thought you deserved a NORMAL happy life. Lisa was normal, Lisa was safe, stable. The best I could offer you was an occasional "roll in the hay" before "flitting" back to heaven. "Castiel says despondently. Though to Dean's amazement he had put the quotation marks in the right place.

"You know what?" Dean replied scrubbing a hand over his face. "I would have taken it Cas. I would have taken it in a heartbeat."

Castiel looked at the truth that blazed in the hunter's eyes. His hunter. And though it was the scariest thing he would probably do he threw himself on Dean's mercy. Hoping and praying to his Father that Dean would revoke the sentence he gave their relationship before he left. He prayed there was still hope.

"Will you still take it Dean?" Cas asks eagerly. "I will be honest with you as should have been in the beginning."

He reached out and cupped Dean's face in his hands. When the hunter didn't push him on he continued hurriedly afraid he would miss his chance.

"I love you Dean, but you already know that. No matter how mad I get with you, my heart has always been yours. I would like nothing more than to lay down my arms and stay with you, but there are now too many of my brethren counting on me, for me to simply walk away."

He thinks he's begun to see the hardness in Dean's eyes to soften. He would give anything for his hunter to look at him with the love he used to.

"I can only give you so much time Dean. Maybe we will see each other once a week, perhaps sometimes less than that. But I assure you, you are ALWAYS on my mind."

Castiel grabs Dean's hand and placed it on his chest. "And in my heart."

Then Cas sees it there is still love for him in Dean's heart. He's not sure if Dean will ever trust him again, but he's going to try his hardest to show him he can.

Dean is churning inside. There is still hurt from Cas leaving, but if he ever thought for one moment he could just harden his heart against Cas, well then he was a worse liar than his damn angel. And it was true for better or for worse; this infuriating creature in front of him was his. And he had the gall to tell him he was going back to heaven. So then could torture him some more. Like hell.

"Cas if you think I am gonna let you just mosey on up to heaven and let them use you as a holy pin cushion again you're in more denial than me, and that's really saying something." Dean smirks at Castiel

Cas felt like he was in his Father's presence when Dean looked at him like that. He knew that it would not be long before he would have to leave the comfort of the heavenly host. He knew also that it didn't pain his as much anymore. After he had settled things in heaven then he would come and be by Dean's side. If he would have him.

"Cas? Did you hear a word I said?" Dean says waving a hand in front of his angel trying to get his attention.

"I did Dean, you said you would rather me stay here, but EVERY punishment is worth it to envision your face. I will gladly accept my penance. I will not be there much longer anyways. Soon I will have to leave." Castiel states flatly.

"You're just gonna leave? You'll go back though right?" Dean asks puzzled.

"No after I am through with righting things I will not return." His angel replies resolutely.

"Not that I am not totally on board with that idea, but why Cas?" Dean asks.

Castiel snorts explaining with a twinkle in his eyes "Because Dean, even now it is hard to put anything before you. I have a hard time strategizing while visions of you run naked through my head."

Dean grins wickedly at the thought. "Heh, well that is an impressive sight."

"Besides," Cas says the beginning of a smile blooming on his lips and in his eyes. "I think it is time that I got a chance to put what I want first."

Dean thought that was the most human thing he had ever heard Cas say. It was fucking awesome the hunter thought as the angel continued.

"I have put the wants and needs of others before my own all of my existence.

My Brethren.

My Father's

Even you.

I want something for me now." Castiel says haughtily. "I think I deserve it."

Dean swallows nervously before asking "and what is it that you want Cas?"

Cas smiles and whispered "You Dean. You and you alone."

Something in Dean breaks and feelings he thought he had under his control flood to the forefront. He grabbed Cas by the collar of his trench coat and pressed him back against the Impala assaulting his mouth. Everything he hasn't let himself feel for more than a half a year pours out of him into that kiss.

Castiel opens his mouth to the onslaught of his hunter's mouth. He moans into the kiss all the frustration he has had with heaven and Dean bleeding through.

Dean grinds up against his angel eliciting a feral gasp from him. Castiel arches into his hunter giving them the sweet friction they have both been longing for.

"Oh Cas I missed this so. Damn .Much." Dean says staggeredly resting his forehead on Castiel's trying to catch the breath the angel stole out of him.

"I missed it as well." And damn it all if Cas doesn't sound just as wrecked as Dean.

Dean ran his hands down his angel's torso and begins to slip his topmost button free. He wants this so badly. He feels like a man who is dying of thirst and the river that will save his life is right in front of him. He growls as Cas grabs his hands and steps back.

"I don't think fornicating in Lisa's garage is the best idea Dean." Castiel says panting.

"Fine," Dean says raggedly "Just gleap us somewhere else then." He continues to push buttons free with nimble fingers.

The angel smirks at Dean at trait that the hunter is pretty sure is of his own doing.

"Is there anywhere in particular you would like to go?"

Dean thought for a moment, his eyebrows bunching up in thought. "Nah," He finally answers. "As long as you're there I don't give a rat's ass where you take us."

"Very Well." Castiel says wrapping his arms around Dean and kissing his hunter he spirited them away.

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**See I told y'all it would get better. Now comes the last chapter but the best one cuz: YAY FOR MAKE UP SEX! Review it my friends. Review it well!**


	12. Nothing else Matters

**Okay folks here it is the final chapter. I want to thank y'all so much for joining me on my first Fan Fic journey. Special thanks go to my awesome sisser for nagging me incessantly to write. I have got another fic in the works as we speak so you haven't heard the last of me Muwahahahahaha! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Teasing Dean; if I did I wouldn't be sitting here writing this I assure you. Also I don't own dirty talking Cas….Sadly.**

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Cas kisses Dean passionately as the world whirls away from them. When they land Dean doesn't even realize they have moved he was too distracted by his angel's kiss.

"Wow Cas, I gotta tell you, angel airways is a hell of a lot more enjoyable when you add your lips to the mix."

Castiel grins at him. "If I had known that would make you more agreeable with that form of travel, I would have done it this way from the beginning."

He begins to nuzzle Dean's neck and rains kisses all over it.

Dean freezes and looks up. Cas steps back as the hunter turns to take in his surroundings. He knew it so well. The lake was glistening in the sun that was just beginning to peek over the trees, bathing everything in golden light. Leave it to his angel to take him to the one place he felt nothing but peace, even if it was only a place in his mind.

Castiel grabbed his hunter's hand, and walked him down the wooden dock away from the lake. "You can fish later Dean." Cas says excitedly.

"I had to improvise much of this. I have only been here just the once with you, and that was only on the dock."

The angel led him forward to a two story cabin in the tree line complete with wrap around porch and a hot tub by the look of it. Dean would get some good use out of that later he thinks wickedly.

They walk up the steps, and Cas pushes open the door. The whole cabin is done in wood the color of amber beer Dean thinks pleasantly. From the front he can see a kitchen done in brown tones that's sweeps into a dining room, with a sturdy looking oak table. And further in he can see the living room. It's in an octagonal shape, and a red plush couch wraps almost all the way around it. And in the middle of all this is a sunken fire pit.

Dean turns and looks at Cas confused.

"You're telling me you just made all this up?" Dean says turning a circle. "It kinda looks familiar." He says with a crease in his brow.

"Well." The angel says rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. "It might have been on an episode of Dr. Sexy."

"That's it!" Dean exclaims snapping his fingers in recognition. "Ellen Piccolo's cabin in Montana, Cas you dog."

"You like it don't you Dean?" Cas asks just as Dean opens the refrigerator to find nothing but his favorite beer and 6 different varieties of pie.

"Oh!" Dean practically squeals with delight. "Oh Yeah." He says lower, more manly. "This is as perfect as it gets man."

The angel swells with pride at his hunter's statement.

Dean shuts the fridge, turning on his heels to find Cas once again invading his personal space.

The hunter tries to make some smart ass remark, but discovers all too quickly it is entirely too difficult to do so with the angels tongue plundering his mouth. Its not as if Dean could remember what he was going to say at this point anyways.

Dean grabs Castiel by the hips and in one fluid motion lifts him up, spins him around and sets him on the counter, never once breaking the kiss.

Dean moans into his angel's mouth at the friction that this move had produced and pulls Cas legs up to wrap them around his waist.

They continue to kiss. It's slow and scorching, neither one of them wanting to rush this.

Cas pushes Dean's jacket and his over shirt off his shoulders letting them drop to the floor, running his hands under his t-shirt over taunt muscles.

Everywhere his angel touches feels like liquid fire to Dean. His hands shake with want as he unbuttons the Cas' shirt the rest of the way and pushes all the layers of trench coat, jacket and shirt off all at once. Dean's eyes never leave Cas' as he leans in to kiss the angel again.

Castiel pulls the last barrier of Deans clothing over his head so they can finally be pressed skin to skin.

When their chest press together, Dean gasps and Cas whimpers both of them feeling the rightness of this, and both feeling like they had finally found home again.

"Dean." Castiel moans against his neck before he's hotly running his mouth over the hunters collar bone. Dean grabs the angels hair and gently tugs so that he can kiss him again.

Cas has begun to tortuously grind his hips into his hunters as he begins to make little keening noises into Dean's mouth.

"Oh God Cas if you don't cut that out I am gonna lose it right here." Dean warns though a groan.

"I am uncertain as to why that's a bad ting Dean." The angel says panting in his ear.

"I am saying there is no way we are making it to the bedroom, hell I don't even know if I can make it to the couch." Dean explains trying to hold on to his control.

"And that is wrong because why?" Cas says tilting his head is hips still steady grinding on Deans.

"Okay so you're saying you wouldn't mind if I spread you open and fucked you on the kitchen table." The hunter says raggedly.

A shudder runs through the angel at the proposition.

"No Dean, I don't see anything objectionable to being spread open and fucked on the kitchen table." Cas growled snapping his hips forward.

"Jeezus Cas say that again." Dean moans.

"Say what Dean?" He asks. Clearly the angel has lost the thread of the conversation. Dean looks into his eyes and sees the pools of blue are completely blown wide with lust. Biting into Cas' shoulder and running his lounge up his neck, he all but begs.

"Tell me again what you want me to do to you." Dean pants. "Please Cas; never heard you say anything like that before. So fucking hot."

Castiel stops all movement and pulls back to look into Deans eyes. At first Dean thinks he's going to get a lecture, but then Cas licks his lips and says.

"I want you to spread me open Dean, and fuck me on the table." Cas growls out, working the button of his hunters jeans open, and following quickly with the zipper.

Amazingly enough, somehow Castiel has rendered Dean Winchester completely speechless. He grins at the victory.

Dean can only watch as his angel pulls him out of his jeans and strokes him his thumb running over the slit.

The angel looks at his hunter with his head titled to the side. Dean just stands there trembling slightly too stunned to move.

Cas chuckles lowly and unbuttons his own pants and pulls himself out.

The spell on the hunter breaks, as he watches his angel take himself in hand.

"Shit Cas, don't stop." Dean whispers hypnotized.

Castiel blushes thoroughly "Dean I- I don't know-" He stammers.

It's okay Cas, I'll show you." The hunter assures him placing his hand over his angels as he begins to move it.

"Dean." Cas says breathily. As he finds his own rhythm. Once he's see Cas has the hang of it, he steps back to simply watch.

The angel is sitting on top of the counter, legs spread as wide as they will go with his pants around his ankles still, caught by his shoes. He has one had braced back on the counter to keep him steady the other, working himself slowly. Dean notes that though his coat, jacket and shirt have been discarded, somehow he has missed his tie, which is flipped over the top of his left shoulder. Cas' eyes glow with lust and never once leave his hunters.

Dean walks back over and bends down licks the length of the angel just once following Castiel's hand. He then bends down to untie his shoes. After removing shoes socks and the trapped pants, he feels the angel's movements begin to speed up.

He leans in and kisses Cas and runs his hand over the angels tip once more, and at that Castiel comes undone against him.

"Dean-Oh Dean." Castiel gasps. Dean grabs his hands and wraps them around his neck, wraps his legs around his waist and lifts him up. He walks the few feet to the kitchen table, reaching out with one hand sweeping it across to send place mats, salt and pepper shakers, a bowl of fruit, and the napkin holder all crashing to the floor.

The hunter drops Cas onto the table and kisses him fiercely before backing up to toe off his sock and shoes, and push his jeans and underwear into a heap on the ground.

"Stay right where you are angel boy." Dean teases as he walk to the bathroom, he hears the angel ask breathily where he thinks he's going to go.

When he makes it the short distance to the bathroom he flips on the light. He figures if Cas made this place, then it should be well stocked. Opening the bathroom cabinet a low whistle passes his lips. He is faced with every type of lube he can imagine, and some he really can't.

"Well stocked indeed." He says smirking. "Dammit Cas you dirty little angel." Dean says grabbing good old original. He thought about the pleasure enhancing one, but he's pretty sure that just the regular sex with Cas is going to kill him eventually; pleasure enhancing lube would probably just expedite the whole thing.

When Dean walks back to the table Cas is leaned up on his elbows.

"Uh uh." Dean says pressing a splayed palm on the angels chest pushing him back down. Dean leans forward and places a chaste kiss on Castiel's lips with a wicked grin.

Then he begins to run his hands down. He lets them roam everywhere, mapping out every dip every contour of Cas' body.

The angel shudders, and tires to touch Dean, but the hunter pulls back before he can make contact.

"Dean please I-"Cas begs.

Dean leans over into Cas' ear. "You left me Cas, and all I did was think about all the ways I was gonna make you beg for my forgiveness. I think this is my favorite one though."

Castiel almost leapt off the table as Deans hands danced across his groin.

Dean chuckled low and whispered "Paybacks a bitch angelcakes."

Then he began slowly, maddeningly to sweep circles with his tongue behind the angels ear.

He continued down the rest of Cas' body. The angel was trembling now, and whimpering in regular intervals.

He wondered if anyone had died from pent up sexual pleasure. If not he supposed he could always be the first.

He feels Dean yank him forward by the hips his mouth still devouring his body.

"Dean, please. I'm sorry." Castiel says giving in. He will tell his hunter anything he requires if he will just DO something.

"I'm sorry Cas. What was that again?" Dean says taking the angels nipple between his teeth.

"I-ugh-I said I am sorry Dean.' He barley gets out before another wave of pleasure washes over him.

"hmmmm" Dean says humming across Cas' chest. "For what Cas?" Dean asks now sucking where his teeth had been before.

Castiel has no idea how he's supposed to answer let alone form coherent sentences with his hunter assaulting him like this. He had never felt this strung out before. So coiled and ready to snap while Dean's hands and mouth wreaked havoc.

"I-" The angel tries to breathe. "I-For-for leaving you Dean." He finally manages.

"You won't do i again will you?" The hunter asks laving the angels hipbone.

"I-"Castiel tries once again to sit up, but is too far gone to manage that much. He lets his head fall down on the wooden surface of the table with a thump.

"No Dean of course not." He says breathlessly as he hears a bottle open.

"Good to know Cas." The hunter says sliding a finger slowly in to his angel.

"Oh God Dean!" Castiel screams arching off the table.

Dean pulls out and adds another finger. "Now Cas, that's blasphemy." He teases curling his fingers just right.

Cas bears down thrusting into Deans hand.

"I have-I have said I-I was sorry Dean. What more can I do?" the angel asks entreatingly.

"All you have to do Cas is tell me what you want." Dean says with a smirk.

"I want you Dean." He says arching off the table when his hunter hits that sweet spot again.

"Sorry buddy, but you're gonna have to be a little more specific." Dean says grinning.

"Very well." Cas says leaning up on his elbows to look his hunter in the eyes. "I want the length of you buried in me as far as it will go. Is that specific enough?"

Dean white knuckles the table trying to control himself.

"Yeah. Hell yeah Cas, that's exactly what I wanted to hear."

Castiel hears the bottle opening again. He thinks Dean is a sexual mastermind, to have enough coordination to continue to work his fingers in him and never miss a beat, while preparing himself at the same time.

Dean slides in agonizingly slow. Inch by inch. Cas tries to pump his hips to speed the process along, but the hunter is having none of it. He pulls out just as slowly a wicked glint in his eyes.

Castiel once again pushes up to look at his hunter. "Dean, if you aren't going to fuck me in earnest…." Cs lets the sentence trail off, the lust driven look on his hunters face effectively wiping the ability to speak from him.

"Ask and thou shalt receive." Dean says roughly thrusting into him again and again.

"Dean!" Cas screams as his hunter hits that wonderful spot on every down stroke.

Dean lifts Cas up still impaled on him and walks them to the fur rug in front of the fire pit. He lays Cas down gently and kisses him as he begins to thrust again, but slower this time.

"I want to be able to see you when you come Cas." Dean says entwining their hands together over his angels head.

The hunter reaches down, and takes his angel in hand and begins to pump him slowly. Matching the rhythm of his thrusts.

When Cas finally breaks, and spills on Dean and his own stomachs, he cries out his hunters name breathlessly one last time as shudders wrack his body.

Dean shatters to as he feels Cas' body tighten around his.

He rides it out until he collapses on to the rug, head on Castiel's chest. He leans into his angels ear and whispers "You're forgiven."

Cas chuckles lowly holding onto Dean. "Really? I am sure I could apologize more, if it will help." Cas says evilly.

"You will be apologizing till the day I die." Dean says kissing his angels chest.

"The day you die Dean? I am not sure you will want me for all that time." Castiel says worriedly.

"Wow. You really are dense. I love your feathery stubborn ass. I want you with me pretty much forever." Dean says leaning up on an arm to look at him.

"Forever is a very long time Dean." Cas states truthfully

"Tell me about it." The hunter says rolling his eyes. "But that's what I want, so you better get used to the idea."

Castiel's brow furrows. And Dean wonders what he said to upset him.

"It will be difficult Dean, but I believe I can." He says his eyes twinkling.

"What about heaven?" Dean says hating ruin the mood. "And Lisa? Don't really think, I can stay there and bang you on the side.

"And they say chivalry is dead." Castiel say jokingly.

"Dean this life is ours; we'll live it our way. I believe everything will be worked out. For now I just want to enjoy this small, brief peace we have."

"Did you just quote Metallica dude?" Dean says unbelievably.

"I did yes." Castiel admits through a blush.

"Well, you sure do know the way to my heart. So what you're saying is nothing else matters?" Dean asks smirking and leaning in for a kiss.

Cas wraps his arms around his hunter's neck, and sighs.

"Yes Dean that is exactly what I am saying."

-Fin-

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**Woohoo! First fanfic ever is finished. I have LOVED writing this. I am already hard at** **work on two more. Anyone like them some vampire Dean? Yeah me too! Anywho one more time guys. Reviews? **


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